Bebel sokmo

Naturally, I was thrilled by the idea of backpacking to Kelantan. The main intention was to fetch sarip's car, borrowed by an uncle from Thailand.

(Ya pandai pinjam, tak reti nak pulang balik)

So, last Saturday, we set off at 830pm by bus and arrived on the following morning, 530am. Stopped at a nearby mosque, freshened up, did subuh prayers and slept a little while. Then we had breakfast, kelantanese of course, nasi kerabu! Went to the post office to renew the car's road tax. That took quite a while because it's hard to get the lowest third party insurance. We had to make do with 8k coverage when the car is only at 5k of value.

(yeap, that certain uncle is a totally irresponsible person)

After all said been done, we went to pick up the car. Imagine our horrors! The paint was bad, seats were ripped, interior was wet because of the rain, not to mention the unclogging smell, dashboard no longer dashing, broken air-condition, bald tires, unwashed for God knows how long. Easier said, it was really in appalling state.

The car was used for kutip derma, to build a mosque in Thailand. Because of that good intention, we had no qualms of lending it. It was left with one of his friends, who's assisting with the kutip derma job. And of course, we should have known when they were not around when we came. They just left the keys in the car. Being me, I ranted, literally, in front of their house when I saw a woman (maybe it's the wife) peeping behind curtains. Lagi tinggilah suara aku membebel, especially the part, hoh kalau dia datang rumah wae memang nak kena dengan aku ni.

Memang dasar pengecut, tau salah takut nak bersemuka. When we mentioned about the car's condition, guess what that man answered?

'macam mana kami terima, macam tu jelah keadaannya. Kalau nak servis lebih2, kenalah bayar kita lebih'

Hoih, good thing he said that to my husband, being good-natured that he is (walaupun aku nampak macam nak marah jugak) kalau dengan aku, memang dah kena sembur.

Of the 3 years we lent to that ***h**e, which we paid off the installments and renew road tax annually, the least he could do was to maintain as how we gave it to him in the first place. It isn't so hard to maintain a kancil, or expensive for that matter, especially when he sanggup turun kl to fetch the car.

And he had the bulls to stick a sign 'I love islam'. Bull of crap.

And it's no wonder that no mosque is yet to be seen. I am so going to Thailand and demand to see of what is called a mosque. Fishy, I tell you.

We had to service the car, the major parts only, just to get us to kl safely. Now, I'm officially broke (did a little shopping beforehand) and tanned. Kelantan is so hot, especially rantau panjang. Plus the 9 hour drive of no air-cond, except for the wind outside. ;)

Despite declaring broke for this month, that won't daunt me off from a Singapore trip in a few hours. It's all in the good name of SUP TULANG. Yum yum yum.

Second nature

It's funny when I'm away from the keyboard, ideas come rushing in but the moment I'm sitting and trying to start a sentence, I fail.

Everyone by now should know I have the worst memory ever. Sometimes, I scare myself too, because naturally, if the condition is bad as it is, imagine when I hit sixties. Is there a way to cure this? I heard that reciting quran is good for the memory, and try as hard not to sound poyo, I do attempt to keep toe of quran reading whenever possible.

Again, trying no t to sound poyo more than ever, I hit the gym yesterday after a week of lapse. And the last session I had lamb briyani. Really not effective I must say. I just found that the more I hit the treadmill the more appetite I develop. Is that normal? So yesterday, I had a really good work out because finally I got the hang of it. The first week was a real torture (nampak sangat pemalas exercise). Before this, I bercita-cita going to gym everyday but that's quite impossible especially when you have a husband in tow. So, I think I should at least make sure that I go twice a week.

Time is short. Lil bro's getting engaged this Saturday. Then I'm going off to Kelantan, hopefully by train because I want to feel the adrenaline of backpacking. Taking off on Monday and Thursday, regardless whether approved or not especially when my heart is totally in pieces all over the place. Everyone is waiting for a letter directing each's future, so being the end of the year, I wish them luck, because for sure I don't think I want that luck if I'm still stuck in this dump place any longer.

I know all along that…

… 6 days were not enough for me.

Itching badly to go back home, snuggle between pillows with a favourite book in hand. Nowadays, it's so hard to read, let alone a few pages. The concentration span is intolerable. I need my old life back.

I've been in the office for 2 days and as usual, I don't have anything better to do. Besides the normal stuff that a 10 year old kid can do. Who says you need a degree to do all of that? That piece of paper is just a ticket to secure a job and then what? You end up doing things retarding the brain. It's bad enough my brain cells are dying ever slowly, at this rate, I would shrink into nothing.

On a happier note, we had a bbq at huda's crib. It was quite awesome, small but close. I sure need the treatment to feel kind again towards the world. Fighting is tiring especially when you have no idea what you're against up to. I need to start be grateful once in a while.

Sometimes I wonder, what would really happen if I were to give up once and for all? Would there be any regrets? Remorse? Thankful? Bashing? I don't know unless I leap on that boat to take me away from all this. So much for my outgoing appearance (sometimes people mistook for bravery/courage) I am still coward at heart. Jumping into darkness is not going to be easy unless you are really mentally prepared for it. And knowing me, I'm a ninny.

Yes, laugh.

the dumbest makes you happy

lately, i've been ducking out from meet-up with friends. it's that time of breakdown (again!) where i will agree and back out at the very last minute. hormones is just not my bestfriend. nonetheless, i was grateful that i didnt cancel the penang trip because truthfully, i was really battered that day, after attending 2 weddings.

i think penang is the place that i wont easily get bored. besides the fact it is near to the sea, penang also offers a variety of delicious food. in a span of a day, i had the chance to chow down nasi kandar only. i have to wait for february next year to get a taste of rojak pasembor and char kuew teow. and other local delicacies too.

and it was where i screamed my lungs out on a banana boat ride. totally worth the rm10! came home with a hot fever waiting quietly that bursted out on monday. 3 days away from work was a bliss undescribable. especially when there's a last minute project going on. i couldnt be more thankful. glee!

since today im a little bit better, i decide to cook. i finally realise that cooking may not be my strongest forte (at the moment) but its what i enjoy doing most. the thought of giving someone to eat, especially who doesnt complain much, is elevating. i miss my 3month uk stint where i get to be my own charge. yes, it was tiring at times, but the satisfactory feeling paid it off.

like today. chicken tomyum. daging masak merah. telur dadar. perfect combination.

everything was from scratch, especially the tom yum.

hubster said it's similar to bazli's but even better.

the temptation of giving up my day job is just a few inches away.

come on, nana, get your kindie going and i'll apply as a cook.

Scandalized or scandalous? Choose.

Topic konon2 hangat di hot.fm, tapi bikin hangat di hati sebenarnya. Suggested penyelesaian for a hitch: a wife asks for help when the husband cheated on her and run away with that girl.

My advice? Get rid of your two-timing scumbag of a husband. Why should you need to suffer all the pain when he is enjoying himself with other women? I am not suggesting you to scandalize with another man, but to stand up and start afresh. Easier said than done, you say. Yes, but hear this out. Nothing comes pretty easy in life, don't you think? I mean, look at yourself, you just got cheated and is that any easier for you? No, I assume. Rather than moping around and feeling sorry for yourself, questioning what had gone wrong, better show your husband what you still have. Then he will know what he's going to miss in the long run.

What's infuriating is that, the callers were mostly women, being the scandalous lot a majority. I don't understand woman can do such an act to another woman. We should always stand up for ourselves, not try to ruin each other. Looking at where we are now, women are free to voice out freedom, to be at par with men if not higher, did you think we achieve all this by turning against each other? No, my dears, we support each other, fight for our rights. Who else will look out for us if not our own kind?

And another thing, the main reason for the scandalous act is because things at home are bad, wives not cooking, or men couldn't get their thang up, or children out of control or any ridiculous domestic excuses. You name it. Hey, those problems involve you too, so is that the only solution you can come up with by running away with another trash? I mean, why bother getting married in the first place if you can't handle problems? It's not like your wife is dead so no one to take care of you and the kids, or vice versa. You have each other. When you say the sacred vows, it means get through together, thick or thin. No stupid excuses. Sheesh.

Ada siap tuh, bangga main dengan laki orang and dia pulak yang meyerang bini2, complaining she has sacrificed her teenage years (6 years, mind you) with a married guy. What kind of world are we living in?

I'm getting annoyed now. In 2 days a row I have been a guru in a topic I'm not an expert. And it's tiring when you're really not one. Haha.

I wanted to post up a song by rossa, hey ladies (I think so). The lyrics are so perfect for you people who are being cheated shamelessly. But my office blocks all kinds of fun entertainment so terpaksalah korang youtube sendiri okay. Itu pun aku rasa korang dah pernah dengar/lihat lagu ni. Heh.

You won’t stop biting nails, so let’s breakup

It is sunny, the sky is clear blue after the rain washes everything away.

Yes, that's how life is. No matter how hard things get going, just remember that everything will be fine. If you feel like crying, just cry your whole heart out. Because everything will be clear again, just like the skies after raining.

Love is just so complicated. We all have been there, and some got lucky and most failed at the very first tryst. In my case, I have some feeble attempts, which I wouldn't call them true love anyway, but at least attempts of getting emotionally attached. Feeble as it may be, I don't regret at all what I have done. I admit that if I like that person, I would make the first move, regardless how stupid the act is. I would pass a candy, or biscuits or anything to a friend to pass it over to that particular person. And after a while, I get bored easily, especially if that person shows any promising signs. I must say that I get to know my preferences as I go along liking people here and there. Huahuahua. Yes, I am a fickle, remember?

Until I met my husband back in uni, on the registration day. Our parents know each other (we go to the same primary school) and talked, asking well-being of everything while I hid behind my mum's big hijab. Don't ask me why, I just don't know. Suddenly I felt shy meeting him. Who knew at that certain point I ended up marrying the guy... haha. Okay, enough of my love details, not that they are interesting anyway. The point is, to what certain extent do we have to sacrifice for our so-called 'love'?

When people break up, it's always the reason of that other person is not willing to change, or that other person has not done enough to make the relationship work, or another third party barges in, or basically you don't get along anymore. the latter is unavoidable, you just can't simply stop people not to cheat on you when he's the kind of unfaithful. But of course, you have to leave that sort of kind, lest it will hurt you in the future. What I'm highlighting here is the reason of breaking up just because that person won't change for him. Why should you put restrictions on people?

I am no love guru, mind you, but I believe that a person needs space in a relationship. If you love that person enough, let him grow in time, but of course towards the positive line. On top of all that, don't give 100% of yourself to people, no matter who they are. People will always let you down, even the bestest of friends, because we are humans after all. The only person you can rely on is the Almighty, so save a 10% of yourself. Or else that's when you hear stories people going crazy when their spouses died, or in some worse cases, cheated on them.

Another important element to make a relationship work is patience. You don't only have to be patient with the other half, you have to be patient with yourself. I am not ashamed to admit I have the lowest tolerance level of patience and at the rate I snap at people, I could hate myself to death. I have to console silently that it won't do any good of jumping to outrageous tempers. Girlfriend-boyfriend relationship is nothing; you can just simply part if nothing goes your way. When you are married, the test on self-patience is at times intolerable, to the point you question yourself, did you make a right choice? You have to be responsible for the choices you made and most importantly, rationalize everything before making harsh decisions that won't be worth regretted later. Learn to accept and you will be accepted.

Last but not least, never take 'twilight' as a guide for everlasting love, instead try 'gone with the wind'. That is what I call a real testament of love.

it's time, 2009?

i think i should write more often, only then a specific topic will surface later on. do you think so? since i am such a complicated and always confused being, it would be a surprise for me to come up with a post that is too, well, narrowed-down? heh.

2009 is nearing to an end. it's too cliche to say time flies but it does. haha. for all i know, we are already in the middle of december. i feel a bit left out, weird yeah, because i can't recall of any significant events that took place. so let me list out what has happened since january.

- my first time as a pengapit, at fiza's wedding (don't you dare laugh)
- jakarta trip in april (i thought that was last year)
- odah's wedding in may
- uk vacation from june til sept (now i know where most of the months have gone ;P)
- first time celebrated eid without the husband (corny!)
- 3 times to the gymnasium (that was last week, ngehehe)

not much eh? such a waste of a year, nevertheless, i have learnt a great deal, especially getting to know my true potentials, which i won't let on in here. however though, i plan to make the most for 2010 since i suddenly realise that i am not getting any younger. too many has to be accomplised and i am nowhere near to them. while i'm bitching over this, i haven't lay out specifically what i hope to materialise next year, which is so typical of me. haha. i'll do that in my sleep.

so, people, it's the last bit of the month. enjoy and make the best of it. it's not too late to do something big in the next 2 weeks. hahah. ambitious i must say.

no saga over this

last night, was the peak of boredom i've ever felt. i wanted to do something but couldnt figure anything interesting. and being the world's most annoying person, husband suggested mapley which i adamantly refused with the excuse of 'malas nak kelaur dari pagar. penat tau duduk terperap dalam pagar ni. boleh mematikan semua mood.' husband couldnt accept that of course. haha.

in relation to that, i took medical leave today, partly because of malas bekerja and another big part of blocked nose and sneezing fit. what with the h1n1 still going on, i need to take precautions, aint i? but that doesnt mean i will visit the doctor, just a loving session with odah today. if she can drag herself out of bed. ;p

few nights ago, one the guys staying next door came to us when we got back from a late movie. 'weh, korang checklah rumah. rumah kita orang baru kena rompak, habis semua laptop, camera. takde sign break-in plak tu.' alhamdulillah, our house was still intact but when i locked all the doors, i forgot a few verses of ayat kursi. i had to yell at husband from downstairs how the verses go. see what cuakness can do to me. what if i happen to see a ghost? stuttering like mad.

oh, did i tell you i went to see new moon? people couldnt believe it, they know it's not my thing. husband made me watch it. the whole movie was too tormenting for me to endure. i groaned and moaned throughout the whole thing while husband pinched and hushed me. i couldnt for the life think why bella is so pathetic, such an indecisive being. and cullen? i know he should be 'a man of few words' but really, he couldnt pull that one off, instead he looks like a stuttering parrot in pain. every word that comes out of his mouth causes him pain. as if he didnt mean any of his own sayings. the only part that made me endure all this was jacob, but even after that i was peeved with his fighting with cullen over pathetic bella. he could have done better than her. sorry, i am no romantic and i dont sit too well with mushy mashy bits of love.

last but not least, i quote from ahmad helmi's facebook status,

'edward cullen is almost 100 years old and bella is 17. so the twilight saga is thus-far the most successful pedophile/statutory rape franchise in movie history. well done world. no wonder vampires are so secretive :P (taken from Liana 'Shan' Aziz who took from Oli Pettigrew fan page ha ha ha)'

ok, have a nice monday. i will.

qurban, a sign of 'prosperity'

raya was heavy with rendang (as usual), laksa johor, soto, and cookies that my ibu managed to squeeze in. so, please, tell me that i need to go on a crash diet?

monday at office is quiet. people are still away on holidays. i've always like to go to work on days like this, which means less work and easier to cut off a few hours. :P it is also the day good for outside lunch, and i'm debating on bukit damansara or just klcc. a department opposite to mine hosted curry mee in the morning, and its heaviness is taking toll on my eyelids. i can barely open my eyes and have been yawning my head off since 10am.

it's been a tradition to have a prosperity (at least once) every year. i have (tried) sworn off fast food because being me, fast food is really not a best friend. a few trips to mc donalds in a week can put a few pounds of bulge right on my thighs. no no. really not good. and to put on more salt on already open wounds, the people who always tag me along don't have any issues with weight... i hate you nana!

tapi, after all has been said, i am still going over to klcc, just for the sake of 'teman' nana. haha. gila lame. or i could just sleep off the craving at the back corner of my office.

cicak or lizard?

i have not been aware of the growing dislike for lizards. i always thought my detest has been saved for the roaches only. now it's not the case no more.

there was one time when i wanted to take a shower, a big lizard was splatting on the ceiling, right above the showerhead. imagine the creepiness of it staring at you with its bulging black eyes and twitching slimy paws while you shower. so i screamed.

another time was in the shower again, (what's up with the shower?!) and it jumped out in front of me. i screamed even louder.

or in the kitchen. jumping out of nowhere causing me to throw pans at the sink. i hate making a circus show out of myself, especially by slimy creatures. and you wouldn't want to see me killing one, because i would beat it with a broom in one hand, a sheltox in another and shrieking like a hoolagan, just for the sake of nak hilangkan kegelian. oh my shivers timbers!

so, since i'm calling in the pest control, and at a quite expensive price too, i'm going to make sure all those pests are gone. i can't bear living, especially alone, with cicaks attacking me. do you realise that cicak sounds even slimier than lizard? ugghhh. my hairs are all standing at the thought of it. yuck.

i wanted to post a picture of a lizard (well, i realise that my entries are mostly imageless) but i can't bring myself to contaminate the blog with its sheer presence. geli dowh. i'm sure you know how a cicak looks like, right?

a crappy ramble

salary was in since last week and not surprisingly, i'm all dried up till next month, which is 3 weeks yet??! now is the time when you wish you had stocked up money while you had them and debating on what to use them for. all this while, my philosophy is spend when you can because you never know when you are going die. moreover, why need to leave your own hard-earned money to the people left behind? let them dig it themselves.

no, darlings, nothing to do with credit cards bills, just some things have come up that requires A LOT of money. so, no shopping sprees whatsoever. christmas sale is just around the corner and i'm already broke! sobs. and i was planning on shooting up to singapore next month. how depressing..

i had to work on the weekend so i took today off. office people called many times and as usual, i ignored them. i know it's their culture to take calls even on holidays, and i for one, will not play by that rule. i simply cannot allow some random strangers barge into my privacy at home while trying to enjoy a short break. one of these days, i might just get another number for personal use so that i can switch off the office number.

during the phase of silence with no updates, it's not like i haven't been writing. i have. they just ended up in draft mode. i couldn't bring myself to publish them. it's really hard for me to write knowing who the readers are. no, i'm not blaming you, readers, it's just the expectations that i have to live up to. then, there's the sesitivity issue i need to consider. no, that doesn't sound right. i write what i feel, or think and if some of you couldn't swallow it, hop to other places please. no grudges.

i write craps mostly, so if the readers frequent here for updates, then you must also like crap too. welcome welcome welcome! i must admit it's a long way yet for me to be sensible in dissing thoughts and such. but i'm planning to be there one day, so no worries. just need to find the right perspectives. like most loser writers use to say. :P

on a different note, the weekend was an eye-opener. there were things i learned and should have long time ago. now, i'm having second thoughts on quitting. yeah right, when i hit the office, i'll be screaming wanting to quit!! hahah. but seriously, i have to confess that i am the problematic one, nothing to do with the job itself. and if it couldn't get any more problematic than it is, i can't put a finger as to why or where. i am so effed up.

on top of it all, today was great. i did runs of videos. series of channels. hunk of junkfoods (but after reading hawa's post i want to puke). and cooked ayam merah madu for syarif. tomorrow will be a different story and i'm praying it'll be great as today.

7 months to our (dream) house. need to start planning from now. ideas anyone?

knight in armour

nothing new, or interesting to tell except for my boring work. i won't go into that because there's no point to that at all.

oh yes, syarif's back. i took 3 days off and spend most of the days in port dickson. that alone should have given me new strength to start anew, surprisingly it didn't and seriously, i need some deep thinking about this.

everyone deserves a chance at being happy and if i'm not happy where i am now, i shouldn't push myself just to make others happy. sometimes, a little bit of selfishness is all needed to take the big step. part of the blame is on me, i admit, because i always think that something good is sure to come along, if i'm patient enough. the thing is patience is never my forte and with all the whining i keep throwing around, it's a wonder if God wills to every of my whims. in my case, i think God want me to brave the first step, WITH His assistance, of course.

i realise that when it comes to making the right decision, i will be all alone. there will be strong supporters, i must say, but somehow that won't amount to anything because in everything i decide in the end will always be backed up. what i need is some convincing sound advice, giving the hard facts of every turn taken. because in the end, when things didn't work out as planned, the self-proclaimed supporters would say 'i told you so' forgetting the thumbs-up they give earlier.

in light of all this, i am still waiting for the shooting star to fall in my lap.

jumping bunny

i should be finishing off my work before joli2 with syarif, but lately, i seem to develop a concentration of a 3 year old child. 5 minutes on the report, that's considered lucky i must say, and the following 20 minutes on facebook.

that's the thing, facebook. i don't upload new photos. i rarely shout out current status. i don't do notes. i don't play games. so, why am i spending so much time on facebook? it's really bewildering especially when things are not done as they should. and procrastinating is becoming second nature, i really have to blame myself in this.

i thought if i switch on mtv for music it'd be easier for me to focus. but no. akon had to seduce me with his charming color. rihanna with her sexy moves. t. i too handsome for words. ciara, enticing. i'm losing track now. sheesh yelp!

i'm hoping for a miracle that by the time i rush off to the airport, the reports are safely deposited in the boss's inbox. i don't want work people to nagger me while i'm in the middle of doing something.. fun. which reminds me, i forgot to switch off 'follow me' mode. great.

see? i take a break even before i start work. can you see how hard it is for me? hahha. lame excuse. let's take it as a warm up before we get down to some serious writing. i dislike serious things, it makes me feel old. by the time i'm finish, my hair'd go all white and covered with millions of eye-wrinkles. hihi.

okay, serious time. ta.

green-eyed bogeyman

it's one of those days where you feel that nothing is right. everything looks gloomy, even the weather is overcast, reflecting your mood. i would imagine, if a mood can have colors, mine would be grey today. yes, i'm having one of those days.

have you ever feel like sitting down and cry out your heart for no apparent reasons?

have you ever feel like nobody cares a dimwit about you?

have you ever feel that everything you do is never right?

have you ever feel so dejected, rejected, and helpless?

have you ever feel you don't want to do anything at all, and i mean nothing at all, but just sit and mope around?

right now, i'm feeling all of above and more that even words won't do justice. i acn feel the tip of swelled emotions deep within me, waiting to spill out at the mere of stupid things.

the same thing happened last month and i had two accidents in a row within 2 days. after the second one, right after i settled with that person, i sat in the car and cried buckets for a good half an hour. not because i was hurt or anything, just because i feel it will make me feel better.

i am a person who seldom cries no matter how bad things get. i can always keep check of my emotions. even when i feel like crying i would push it back far inside, not wanting to admit that only weak people cry. so when things got really bad that week, i broke down. i went to a doctor and cried to her. she couldn't make out what i was saying. i was prescribed with ubat penenang jiwa. then i continued crying when syarif called, sitting at a corridor of shoplots building.

yes, he freaked out because he never saw me cry like that. he must have regretted marrying a lunatic. then, after i calmed down, i laughed really hard at myself for being such a weakling. i made a joke of it, in fact.

now it's happening again, should i laugh first then cry, or vice versa, or should i just keep shut the emotions stirring inside?

cooking up eggs and tails

blogger is acting up. i had to wait 20 minutes just to login. sheesh.

i broke my own record, i came in before 7 this morning and surprisingly, i was the first. i think everyone is late today because i don't hear any grill doors sliding open (note: finance dept who usually opens at 8am). oh wait. yeah, there it is, it just opened. at 8.15am.

i was absent from work yesterday due to period cramps. i thought of foregoing another day because i had awful cramps again this morning. but then i have loads of work, and i don't even know where to begin from, plus i'll be taking three days off next week. so, i had to swallow the pain and drag myself out of the house while men were heard still praying at a mosque. it doesn't help my mum telling me that my brother's friend told him two executives were sacked (she works at the same comany as i) because of too many no-show at work and had to pay back the scholarship. i told her that, it doesn't apply to me because my contract deal is different than theirs and if they had to miss so much of work, they should have come to my place. nobody would notice, i assure you, unless you are gone for an entire month. and that's a whole entire another story.

okay, i'm bored of talking about work already.

the house seems so quiet since the kids went back last night. who knew such a small body can talk alot while running and running around. it's funny watching the brother and sister doing their own thing. both of them will be doing entirely different things but at the same time they had to be together, especially the sister or else she will be screaming her head off. she and i had duels as to who has the loudest voice. of course i win all the time. hihihi.

can you believe that it's four days away already? but i feel like it's four months! need to figure out which work should be done first so that i won't be counting by the minute. i'm getting all dizzy thinking about him coming back and lets say that i have the same new bride jitters when i first got married..

wuhoo.

another monday, not blues

weekend flew so fast. suddenly, i'm back in the office, frowning in front of the computer.

when i left last friday, i took back office work, thinking that i will get them done. easy peasy as that when i'm on 'single' status. so who says that singles don't have a life? i could hardly catch my breath.

i'm officially broke too. but with a good feeling about it though.

married life will resume next monday. in the meantime, gazillions things need to be done. straighten the house, do some groceries, and of course straighten up myself. heheh. and plan a short getaway. is it selfish of me to kidnap my own husband away for a few days? after all, i haven't seen him for 5 months!!

haha. aku jahat. if possible, i want to be the only one there to meet him so that i could get him all to myself. tapi mesti apa orang kata. you marry the family too right? oh well, i could spare a few hours but don't spoil my kidnap plan or you won't want to know a hysterical woman pulling out her hair at the airport.

6 days more to go. now, i can feel the time literally crawls. quick, monday, quick!

lost in translation

since i commute alone nowadays, i always make it a point to get out of the house before at the crack of the dawn. it's like travelling at night, which makes me feel at ease and quiet. i love quiet moments so that i can think and plan out the day. but if i happen to wake up at 7, i promise you, you will see my butt out of the house after 9. trust me on that.

so i was up nice and early so i thought i would make a tuna sandwich instead of the usual chocolate cereal drink. and there were some salmon zenpan-something at 50% off at jusco last night, i had two of that. then a pinch of chicken chop (last night's too, imagine what cheap food can do to you!) and a full glass of diluted apple juice.

oh wow.

i thought i was going to throw up then.

i should have stopped at the tuna sandwich but the greediness got the better of me. and it was delicious. just that it doesn't settle well in the stomach early as that.

on a different note, i went to an interview yesterday. i never do well at interviews. i just can't stand the act of being evaluate. being at the toes of mercy. begging for a job. sheesh. and i met an old uni-mate, i bet he's good because, he is.

oh well. what else can i say.

but the moment i drove through the place, i know it's a place that i would love to come to work everyday. and did i tell you it would be traffic jam-free? and that it won't effect my bond with the current company because it's one of the subs? and that it's the particular unit that i've been eying for since last year?

oh but i did something that i'm sure i won't be hired any sooner, so let's just let the dream go okay?

okaylah, sambung kerja balik. wey susah tau nak translate technical subjects ni......

cerita countdown and many more

i'm blogging away at office. yes, on a saturday.

you would think i have turn into a stressed-up workaholic, but hell, no. nothing of that sorts. i had a few personal errands need to be done and can be done only at the office. anyhow, it kind of liberating coming in to work on weekends. no traffic jams. no long queues. i wish i can go to work on weekends only, i'd be the happiest woman on earth.

as i came in, there's a sports day organised by the students, with food stalls along the bosses' carpark. looks tempting enough, fried fishball on sticks are on my mind currently. maybe i'll drop by before i meet up with a friend. or some friends. hihi.

it's been 7 days without a word with syarif. at first, i thought it be excruciating for me, but oddly enough, it wasn't hard as expected. i think it'd be much harder for me if i talk to him everyday because of course i would ask more than that. ;p but when we're out of contact for than a week, it's easier on my conscience because then i wouldn't have that begging feeling all the time. it's true what people say, lagi senang kalau takde. technically okay, not literally.

just for the record, i just found out the men (tua and muda) in my office are doing countdown on syarif's kepulangan. can you believe that? i know they'll be waiting for me to come in office, looking all washed-out and tired. hello, i will be taking a whole week off so kudos to me. haha.

15 to go.

word cage

i have less than half an hour to dwindle away before i start again the iso preparation.

this whole week has been really worthy of a month's salary, minus the monday, of course. even that, i have topped off by coming into office early wee morning (before 7am) and going back at 7.30pm. so tell me, aren't i dedicate enough?

this iso thingy is really rocking off my rocket. thinking that a new iso has been revised, i thought our procedure too has been improvised. but no, of course considering who resides at this old bunk place. too many loopholes and there isn't enough time to amend any crooks because the sirim guys are coming this monday. whew!

and another thing that i've been wondering, why would we need iso for when our customers are basically internal? so that we can boast to them, wah we got iso one lah, so we very good you know. as if they care at all. the reason we have iso in the first place was because we had education dept under us, but since they have become a subsidiary, iso seems so irrelevant. it's like people here haven't got enough work of their own as it is.

time's up. i'm retreating into a world of endless hassle and will merge when i'm done. then, i have something big coming up that needs extra care and attention. taa.

Aksi Jakun

Ye saya jakun. First time blog from Microsoft word version 2007. Asalnya nak buat finding report but suddenly popped out an option 'to create blog'. So gatal nak try. After this, If some of the posts are nicely capped (because I don't to capitals under normal circumstances), then you know I'm blogging from the office. Unless I own a new notebook in the near future (hopefully). But we still have to see whether this will go up or not. If you can read this, then berbaloi lah aksi jakun saya hari ini.

Yes, I was away from the office yesterday. It's such a relief. Skipping work becomes easier and easier. No more or feeling guilty. But don't get me wrong; when once I'm in the office, it'll be up til midnight. Okay I over-dramatised that part. I come in at 7am and go home at 8-9pm. So consider I got time covered nicely. Heh. I think blogging from word is a bit tiring because I keep on correcting the colored underlines.

Alright, yaw'll. Need to get the report done by today.

leaving train

i was ready for office by 8am. i sat down on the bed until it was 9. then i decided not to go work. the long journey, alone, suddenly depresses me. it is not the fear of being on the road, it's the rising hot emotions within me upon seeing swarms of cars before me.

i am an open concept kind of person. i dislike houses with gates. i dislike houses wedge in between other houses. i dislike cars squeezing in front behind and sides, i dislike living in an apartment because the hallways/corridors can make me feel suffocated, i dislike being in the woods at night because it feels like the darkness envelopes over me. basically, i dislike anything that makes me feel a prisoner.

i am a free spirit.

when i signed up for marriage, i always pray that i won't feel like a prisoner. being in a system or a confinement can suffocate me too. i do not wish to confine myself to the needs of the society. with the circumstance as they are, i couldn't just give in to them. like, being childless for years, if i succumb to the thoughtless needs/expectations of the people around me, i will be a lunatic by now.

but i have faith in God. i know He listens to me everyday. as long as i have Him, i do not care what others may think of me. i also have faith in my other half. thank you for believing in me.

perhaps i should start a freelance.

atas, bawah, mari sini, terima kasih

it's the last week of syawal and i'm sure everyone's rushing to hold openhouses at the last minute. speaking of which, there will be a makan2 affair tomorrow evening, just for family and friends. :)

there's nothing specific here that i would like to say. living true to it's name and theme, i rarely write serious stuff like discussing politics or current issues or anything that requires me to wring out ideas from my poor tired brain.

after tapping in serious work stuff, blogging seems such a relief, almost like a painkiller. to the point that i just want to write endlessly but it would be too much, i know. people will definitely say i'm gone off the crackers.

life's okay, i guess. been socializing around, so that helps the loneliness a bit. oh yeah, a funny joke. we were shisha-ing (haha) at damascus (i think that's the name) and this bangladeshi man told us he's been in malaysia for 3 years and still couldn't speak malay except for a few words. we asked him, what do you know then?

atas, bawah, mari sini, terima kasih.

we taught him a new word, sama-sama.

we shrieked in laughter. imagine sama-sama in the same order. haha!

poor man, he went away, confused.

social butterfly in cocoon

it's not like i have anything particular to say in here, just the need of tapping away the buttons. less than an hour, i'll be meeting up with good friends, whom i haven't seen since i got back from the uk, and will be having dinner in damansara. there's a restaurant that a friend has suggested ages ago. and there goes my diet again.

you know, it's weird that when you embark on a diet effort, suddenly all the food seems so scrumptious and salivating. even worse, the measly-looking pisang goreng can tempt with your taste buds. and thus, my friend, i need to reward a point to myself for succeeding swatting away all those jahat desires. heh.

but then, it's a goner if we go to damansara. i just can't simply order coffee only, can i? i mean, it will make me look so poyo. haha. saja je, cari reason to chomp down good food without feeling guilty. besides, i haven't socialise with those girls for a long time. 2 course dinner won't hurt. as if.

i'm planning of a getaway in november but not sure where yet. couldn't be too far, lest it'll be tiring. and not too near for people to come and disturb. ngahaha. project membuat anak harus bermula dengan intensivenya before one of us gets whisk away by work obligations again. hahah. (aku balik rumah ni mesti ada mulut murai tu duk cucuk2 aku ;p)

if you say it, 3 weeks, it doesn't sound so long right? but when you put them in days, 28 days to be precise, it sure sounds like a lifetime. huh, now's the time to wish time to fly faster, only then it won't. obviously..

it's monday today, we have 4 days to go till weekend, so have a nice week, y'all!

thank you for bringing me back

last week was my one of darkest moments.

two bad incidents happened and i'm grateful that i am still well and alive.

i may seem loud and boisterous but i always keep my emotional feelings/thoughts to myself. and what i usually do is to bury them deep inside so i wouldn't think so much about it, to the point that i barely remember what it's all about. but when things got out of control, we are only humans, everything gushed out in hard torrents. i have never shed that many tears in my life. i feel ashamed just thinking about it.

i could have lash out for what has happened but i checked. maybe it's a sign of what i had done to other people and now, it's my turn to know and feel what's it like. i have never felt so helpless, and there was noone to turn to. i learn that you can never depend on people too much, even your loved ones, because they are humans too and powerless, but learn to depend on The Almighty.

being alone gives me that chance of rebuilding the barely-lived relationship with God. i thought i will go mad living all by myself, but no, God in His unique way has shown His way of returning to Him. people would think i'm crazy talking to myself when all i do is having a conversation with God. like, Ya allah, Kau tolonglah tengokkan rumah aku sementara aku pergi kerja ni. selawat. is that crazy? because i BELIEVE that only God can prevent bad guys from breaking in. if i were to leave it to someone else, eh kau tolong eh jaga rumah aku. still, she couldn't have done anything if there were break-ins.

those are examples only, mind you.

i know i have done some things in the past that i'm not proud of. in the event of what happened, i take it that it's a form of repentance. there must be a reason for what took place. it's a kind reminder from God that i have relayed abit too far from him.

now i am at peace, mind and soul.

thank you.

free bird

listening to VP just now at one of our annual raya celebration push me back on track. so inspiring, it was least expected especially when i was already half-way dead. literally. if i were to quit some day, i would like to leave behind great impression and everybody will remember what i have done.

haha bongkak bongkak. no, i think it's better to leave with respect and dignity.

half-drowned

for the endth time, i console my heart to be grateful for what i have. it is so hard to do that when you are stuck in a position that you never wish to be in nor that you have any choice to let yourself out. suddenly, i miss my 3 month stint of escapism.

yes, call me a coward. i never thought myself feeling scared shitless of reality, which i still think i don't, but what makes me feel more ashamed is that i run away before facing the real thing. i'm not saying that i am a care-free spirit, because i'm really not, considering i can be so unabashed of other people's feelings, but i hate feeling the weight of burden people put on me. already, i'm waking up feeling like an old lady.

i believe there are certain things that happen for a reason and i tend to search deep the whys. there must be a reason why i turn out like that, right? but somehow, i couldn't fathom the outcome of all this. is it a sign of acceptance or is it that i have to fight against it in order to gain happiness in life?

sometimes, we live by our decisions. i have made decisions that i regret ever so much but that just shows how human we are. if i know things will come to this, i would have turn the time back and redo everything. but then, i could have made the same choice all over again. when the pressure gets to you, you have to do anything by all means to survive.

it's life. you just have to make best of it.

i don't know if i do.

rapuan

ini entry usaha menghilangkan ngantuk.

wow, this is my first post since i got back. bukan apa, it's not jet-lag yang membantutkan segalanya, i saja je buat diri sendiri jet-lag. because it feels like ages since i had tidur yg begitu puas. jadinya, bila masuk office, menganga je mulut menguap after more than 3 months of training tidur lepas subuh. ;p

oh ya, selamat hari raya and maaf zahir batin semua! tau-tau jelah, i always say things right off the tongue without thinking and you know how bad that is, saying things without critical analysis. habis semua yang tak berkenaan pun boleh kecil hati.

surprisingly, raya was good. last saturday was the puncak segala-galanya. because i'm celebrating single, i had to attach myself onto the newly-weds, odah and akim. so we went to 5 open houses. 5, people! from early morning til late night. i can barely walk after that. odah lagi hebat, dia pergi 2 buah lagi rumah, wonders where she put all those food as i dah buang 1/3 of tangki in the afternoon. hahha. cayalah odah!

hari ini excited sikit datang kerja. i left home at 630am and arrived at 730am. one of the earliest. haa i hope it goes like this for a month. i harap2 sgt dapat makan lunch ikan keli and tempe goreng. lapar betul. tapi langit macam mendung, guruh dah kedengaran, kalau hujan, mmg terlepas lah ikan keli i. ;p

sedar tak sedar, we are 3 months away from 2010. time flies. i really lost track of everything. things that happened last year, i thought they happened this year. like, i thought i just bought a house this year, turns out it was last year and it's nearly done too. the house is coming along nicely, hopefully there'll be an openhouse/housewarming party next year. tapi semua duduk di lantai je ok kan?

hah, kan dah hujan! nak keluar tak boleh because ada orang tu tinggalkan kunci kereta dia, in case banjir, akulah kena alih keta dia. haih. ikan keli oh ikan keli!

oklah, dah hilan pun ngantuk. nak cari kawan pergi membaham.

little white rose

it was quite the most difficult decision i had to make. to leave my shoes or not. as shallow as it might sound, i have an indescribable attachment towards my shoes and leaving them behind will make me feel bereft and.. nothing. okay, call me shallow now.

after what was a really last minute shopping (thanks to those late orders coming in), i had to repack all over again just to accommodate the newly added spree. and leave out my things. so you can just imagine how i feel, going back without my familiar things in eye or beyond reach. it's not really the case of urgent need for the things but for the sake of comfort knowing them they will be there when you need them. haha. i console myself, would i really need all this in a month? so, yes, dear people back in malaysia come first.

i am more or less done with the packing, well i've been saying that for the past weeks, but you know, you're never done unless you finally get butt on the plane. a few hours shy away, i will be heading to london after iftar. flight will be in the morning 1.25am and reaches, insya Allah, 9.30pm tomorrow. need to get all the customs cleared first hence the early journey.

i can't wait to meet the family. it's been 3 months, i wonder what it would be like if it'd been years. lagi songsang jadinya. i had to admit, i'm quite sad leaving all this behind, being that they are good memories except a few hiccups here and there, but that's life. what i have to worry about know is WORK. then, my old life is back. hehe.

Goodbye, old england.

this could be my last say in uk (i think)

everything has to be crammed in the last minute. all of a sudden, time is running out. i am done yet with packing, had to lug everything out and sort them so that i can fit them in any spaces available. yesterday, i was down with another of the allergy attacks, my body was aching in pain, so i was packing for a few minutes then lying down for the most part. heh.

with what small spaces that i can muster in my already loaded luggage, i am planning to run into town for the last time today. that is, if the delivery is here earlier. the only delivery that has not yet arrived and which i placed the earliest of all three orders i made. i hope it gets here by tomorrow because after break-fast, i will be off to london. as usual, people always heap last-minute orders on you, thinking that you have all the time of the world. i will do my best, but if it's not available, i'm sorry..

i feel so excited coming back home. thank god i have a few days of breaking fast in malaysia. it's different in uk, nobody cares about iftars, let alone fantastic promotion deals. heheh. i know i have one session booked with a friend, yes, i will call you once i land, okay. however, when i was in bradford a few days ago, breaking fast was a merry occasion, being that bradford boasts of the highest immigration rate in england, if not one of them, and frankly, you won't feel out of the place so much. except that, on rare incidents, you tend to feel the outcast of a pakistani society..heheh.

speaking of bradford, it was such a memorable trip. meera picked me up around 12 and we toured manchester for some time before heading off to bradford. the weather was brilliant, in fact too brilliant, scorchingly hot and no wind at all. just like good old malaysia. its like the sun is making a grand exit before letting autumn takes over.

bradford is still the same, after 16 years, with a hint of change here and there without being too noticeable. priestman middel school, where i used to go to, was taken over by a beautiful housing area. newby primary school has extended fantastically. meera and i sat there on the grass (my favourite spot long time ago) for an hour and talked. we walked from little horton lane to ryan street, quite a distance i must say considering the fact that i was fasting. it wasn't that far as i used to remember, perhaps my legs are now longer than the short stubby ones years ago. :P
we had fish and chips, where my dad used to treat us to (yeah it's still there except it's brand new and spankier). i think the old version in brown paper drenched in salt and vinegar is still the best.

i will try to upload the pictures once i get the phone cable. camera died on me so i had to rely on my handphone, which also has gone a bit wanky nowadays. i hear people say that electrical goods bought in hot climate can't survive in cold weather. is it true?

anyways, enjoy the last bit of ramadhan because it is the best part of the month. this may be my last entry in uk, so wish me a good and safe journey y'all! so, please invite me to raya events because i will be back then!!

little bugsy-bug

today. outside, the sun shines brightly, almost blinding. inside, i feel feverish, cold draught seeping through skin touching the bones, making me shiver uncontrollable.

i had soured milk with kellogg's frosties for sahur this morning. didn't realise it had gone back until all the cereal was gone and i was onto sipping the milk. because it didn't taste so good on it's own, i poured it into my coffee. i didn't throw it away, thinking it's too little to let it go to waste and besides, what harm can it do?

so i underestimated the too little milk. it bugged my body system alright. after collecting nuha, i started not to feel good. nausea started to kick in. not the best feeling especially when you are on empty stomach. i had to lie down between doing chores or the dizziness would force me to vomit. that's how bad it is. in my case, anyway, because i'm a such crybaby when it comes down to pain and illness.

the best way to forget the pain is to go to sleep. even that seem to be an ordeal because somehow, i seem to float in between reality and sleep. i can feel myself cringing to stop the pain. i can hear noises in the background, making me want to scream to be quiet. how i wished he was here then. until it was time to break fast.

managed to get something in. nothing can make me abandon my love for food. however, didn't manage to get them stayed down. after magrib prayers, i rushed to the toilet bowl. there goes all my futile attempts of stuffing food in. i even ate ever so slowly so that the tummy won't be too shocked. oh well. we still have sahur. :D

6 days more to go.

i need to get this off my chest, only then i will go to sleep

i shouldn't be counting down the days but i couldn't help it. hence the impatience of waiting THE day. which is 7 days away.

you never know what can happen within that span of time. more money to be spent. mostly on trivial things and i go back wondering what have i bought to see such enormous bills? so, yeah, i'm officially broke for the time being. will take a few months to get back on my feet.

regardless the status of being broke, shopping is such a dull matter in england. the colors are so dead and unflattering. you will see seas of grey, black, brown and.. black again. because the weather is constantly cold, even in summers too, their fashion sense is too sombre. it's hard to find things in vibrant colors, as i am a fan of bright colors, which can be a turn-off at times. however, i must admit that some gray items are at really fabulous tones that can't be available in malaysia. even if they do, i can just imagine the ridiculous price tags that i won't consider of paying.

***************

in a blink of an eye, we are already on the 17th day of fasting. and to note, i didn't shed off any kgs at all but i didn't gain any, so that's a blessing. perhaps, fasting in malaysia is more effective due to hot climate rather than in cold. i couldn't remember the last time i sweat. very bad for health, the fat within the body must be all congealed and stubborn. :D

***************

for the past few days, i have been restless and a bit unease. many things are on mind that need to be taken care of. which can be done only once i get back. when things are a bit hard on yourself, only then you remember God (i know, bad of me!). but then, who would you turn to if not Him? at least, i'm glad that He's always there whenever i need Him. it's just that i need to remind myself that i have to talk to Him even when i'm happy, because after all, He makes it happen, right?

***************

please don't force me to make raya cookies, will you? reasons are, first, it's the first time i will be eid-ing without my other half. second, it's the first time we won't be together for eid. third, it's the first time we are apart for such a big occasion. fourth.. you get the picture okay? it's bad enough we didn't get to sahur, break fast and do tarawikh together, the three main events of fasting month. so don't make things any harder than it already is.

thank you.

****************

i still haven't got anything for ibu and ayah. it's hard to buy things for people that you think they already have everything. yes, i know it's the thought that counts. but then, how do i give things when my thoughts aren't attached to it? when i buy something for someone, i'd like to think that some one will be pleased with the gift. i just can't buy something for the sake of giving, it'd beat the purpose of giving then. after all, they are my parents and deserve the best. only thing is, what??

ramblings

driving in a foreign land can be a bit of mind-tiring. before you get on the road, make sure you know your directions well. you just can't afford to miss turns or you will end up on the wrong lanes, which is a big no-no. if you are not sure which exit to take at a roundabout, just stay in the middle or extreme right. at least you can make a whole big round and decide any exits you wish. people won't understand you getting lost or all muddled up with so many turns. not everyone is well off to own a navigator, you know.

haha.

being malaysian, of course i drive like one. i bet the british must be swearing, bloody asians! well, bloody you back, brits!

i'm almost done with the packing before i shipped them of this friday. there are more than 10 boxes. unbelievable! i'm done with all spreeing. except a few trips to certain stores. and a small expenditure on books at carboots. ;)

despite monday was bank holiday, and it's already wednesday, i can't help feeling that the days are crawling ever so slowly. the quicker i get back, the quicker sarip will be back. i hope. that is if he doesn't get extended. i'm tired of being alone all the time. moreover, we haven't been talking a few days, i get so tired easily.

speaking of tired, i think i'm done with all the house chores. i've done them enough to last a life time. or half of the time then. my hands are all chapped, skin peeling off, thanks to the washing liquid. i always use the gel-type back at home because that's the only kind gentle enough for my hands. i even made my mom to change that type or else i wouldn't do the dishes. tapi tu pun malas jugak. haha. it will take a year to get the broken skin smooth again. drama drama.

summer holidays is coming to an end. children will start school next week. need to get them up early this week so that they won't be too shocked waking at 8am. then, the week after that, malaysia, here i come!

happy merdeka!!

i read someone's status on facebook something about being too old to celebrate merdeka and that celebrations worth celebrated are raya and birthdays.

huh.

my first reaction was, shock, then pity. shocked that a person can be so shallow in her thinking and i pity her for not knowing the real meaning of 'merdeka'.

i believe that you people must have your own definition of 'merdeka' based on, well.. living experience and stories of grandmothers and grandfathers. listening to my grandma's horrifying epics during the Occupation Time, a story most memorable to me is when she was at a Japanese's gun point after being sold out by so-called best chinese friend. the main reason why she hates the chinese til today.

i wouldnt say i hate chinese because that would label me a racist. i think that because of the hardships faced during wars, people tend to do anything just to save their own skins regardless of their principles and moral values. we never know what we will turn to be unless we are being put in the same situation. we could have done the same thing all over again.

'merdeka' has many contexts, depending on how you look at it. yes, we are 'merdeka' from the colonisers, but are we really free from thinking like them? looking at the current politics in malaysia, the government is really making a good job of trying to oppress the people. we should be free to think and express of what we feel with the government as a leader to guide us along the way. if we cannot express our opinions on what we expect from them, how can they expect to give us a better life without knowing what we want?

the government must listen to us and we should be heard. only then, we can move forward as one. 1malaysia? huh, we'll see how far they can go. shutting up the people and making decisions best suited to them make them no better than what the colonizers did to us in the past.

referring to the claim above, that someone does not celebrate 'merdeka'. now, come to think of it, i'm almost amused by her honest declaration. she must have think that she sounds intelligent for coming up with a statement like that. judging from her profile, i think she was once a hijab-less girl and hang out with hoo-haa crowds. added to the bonus, she went to all-girls school so you can imagine what it's like. now, she goes to an international islamic uni which of course it is compulsory to don hijabs. she not only wear hijabs but she totally changed her entire attire and look like an arab woman, long abayas, colorful shawls and black-circled eyes.

yes, it is a good transition from ignorance to consciousness of right/wrong. she didn't see it that way as freedom from the black hole, perhaps the main reason she changed is because she prefer to be an arab rather than a malay. hence the not celebrating 'merdeka'. hence the celebration of eid adha and fitr. but birthday? doesn't sound quite right to me. in fact, it's downright funny and a bit stupid.

my hope for 'merdeka' is to be free from society's vicious grips and expectations, from government's unnecessary oppression and from my own side-tracked thoughts that i shouldn't be thinking at all.

overall, happy merdeka people! and enjoy what we have now because we never know what will go missing until they are gone.

missing home

i have never feel so lonely for a long time. syarif is away for a week and who knows how bad the internet connection can be. being on different clock time doesn't help because whe he buzzes me, i'm always not available. this morning, i missed him by a few minutes after he signed. gila sedih.

something happened last night, which i won't reveal here for certain reasons, that leave me feeling not myself today. i lost heart to talk to anyone, silence seems the best option right now. things that may mean little to other people can be big to me, depending who gets the end of things. of course, that goes to me without saying, i could hurt people too without noticing it. so, trying to be a mature being, i need to lick my own wounds, forgive and forget. i won't put blame on anybody in this, partly because i can be such a sensitive person for no apparent reason, and partly because there's noone to blame for.

right now, i can't wait to go back home and be with my own family. i miss having maggi sessions in the middle of the nights with my sisters and talk about silly stuffs with no boundaries. we would make 1 packet of maggi (diet reason overshadow the fact of sharing is caring ;p) souped with egg, lots of cili padi and various sauces. then we sit around the big bowl with chopsticks and spoons, laughing over stupid stories. then, there will be fights of who will finish up the last bit. haha. memories memories.

since syarif won't be around for a while, this is the best time to do that before i resume my role in married routines. that is, if odah is available as she's already tied down too, but if not, i will just have to settle down with qaya then. no offense there, girl! hihi.

2 more weeks. if only i can get someone to do the packing for me.

*sigh*

let me say again, my marriage is not based on conceiving babies

This question has been on my mind for quite some time; why is it that when a woman couldn’t get pregnant, the fault would be entirely on her?

Being married more than 2 years, I am still not with child yet.

Helpless? Yes.
Miserable? Yes.
Feeling like a failure? Yes.
Angry? Yes.
Sad? Yes.

In fact, I’m feeling everything and more. I couldn’t help not getting pregnant, and that makes me helpless. I couldn’t help being miserable knowing that I’m hopeless in this. Yes, I admit at times I feel like a failure, to myself, to my husband, to my family for not giving them a child they and I so want. But at most times, I feel angry with the world for being insensitive when asking inconsiderate questions about this.

I never get angry at questions like, dah ada anak?
Because then I will answer, belum lagi.
And they will say, oh takpe adalah tu nanti.

But.

I hate questions like, bila nak ada baby?
Because then I wouldn’t know what to answer except for, ntahlah.
And they will say, oh kau planning ke?

What the hell is that? Do you want me to say, oh perhaps tomorrow I’ll give you a baby. Oh I forgot, I’ve other things to do tomorrow so how about next week? You think it’s that easy? For me and for you? Well, easy for you to say, maybe.

So, when my answer to family plan is not in affirmative, another question will follow.
Eh, kau tak nak check ke? Mana tahu, kau ada problem ke.

Now you are accusing me with a problem. Nice. How do you that maybe there's a possibility it’s not me that has a problem, it could always be the man. Not that I’m saying Syarif is problematic in that area. It’s just that the general perception lay out by the society it’s always the woman’s fault if she could not give a child. Do you know that a man dips in a hand too to make that small human being? Or do you think that we women just wake up one morning to find a bulging tummy ready for birth, all by own?

Tsk.

What saddens me most is that sometimes these questions come from the effeminate circle. Women should stand up for their own kind, not letting them get ambushed instead. It is ironic that I have to withstand aimless insults from women rather than men. I just had to laugh off all this when things become too unbearable.

It is natural order of things that we cannot interfere with; women will always punish each other to see who will suffer the most. Who knows in the future, I might be one of them to ‘kill’ another helpless lady.

Which will leave me no better off.

p/s: ya, jangan risau adalah medical follow up nanti. then we'll see.

mimpi bayi comel

he made me cry today.

as usual, we chat before he goes to work.


him: sayang, last night i dreamed about you. you have a baby and really cute too.

me: really? hihihi. i tak pernah mimpi pasal dapat baby lagi.
apa nama dia? girl ke boy?

him: tatau plak. haah, itu pun my first time mimpi macam tu.
macam best mimpi tu.

me: best? apa yang best?


then he signed out because the driver has already arrived.

pilu campur gembira bila pikir pasal anak ni. but then, pilu lagi kuat because the question is, bila lah lagi?

fourth day of fasting..

.. and i'm already delusional.

rather than letting the blueberries go bad, so i decide to do something about it.
googled up recipes and found one that i like, the pictures look convincing enough, and yes, mouthwatering.

i whisk everything accordingly as laid out in the recipe.
i even got butter and sugar creamed till light and fluffy, which i rarely do because i don't exactly know how light and fluffed butter sugar look like.

then i got to the last part of combining flour and milk.
hunger pangs blurring my vision, i read 80ml of milk as 800ml.
i didn't register what i was doing until i have poured 650ml into the mixture when i know something was not right.
i stopped and checked the recipe.
80ML??????? and i poured in nearly a litre?
oh please, someone, kill me.

at least, i manage to save 200ml of milk. ;p

i stumped.
i thought of throwing away the batter and start again.
but the mere thought of creaming butter and sugar is sooo loooong (no wonder i never get that creaming right because i am impatient) and who knows what will turn out next.
i might as well try to remedy the mistake instead.
so, i strained the batter.
and went on whisking again, adding a little bit of flour, egg, sugar and vanilla estract.
because i thought some of the essence must also have gone through the strainer.
everything got whisked not in particular order.
i can just see a disaster form ahead.

the cake bakes around 40-50 minutes. i just checked, at 40 mins, and it's not even cooked in the inside, all gooey like.
ahhhhhh!!!
i know if i put on another 10 minutes it still won't be done yet.
oh why can't i get a simple cake done?

sedih betul tau.

dan lagi menyedihkan, the berries wouldn't stay on top, they sank to the middle.
i bet the batter is too watery.

*sigh*

gurindam orang tak dapat fesbuk

huh. facebook is making a nuisance of itself. the layout is upside down and i can't find certain applications that i wanted to log in. i can't read messages. i can't give silly comments on other people's pages. i can't approve requests. and most of all, i can't tell you guys what's on my mind all day. haha. good thing i can still tend to farm buddy, even that someone stole a chilli just because i couldn't click on 'my farm'. is it only me or are you facing the same problem too?

since i can't give a piece of mind at facebook, so here it goes:

Sarah M. Ali is packing, not because she can't wait to go home but to see how much more space she can squeeze in more things. hahah.

okay, puas hati.

it's 4pm already, i haven't start cooking yet. need to wait a few minutes until my peas are done to be harvested before they get stolen. heheh. in the meantime, chicken curry good enough? cukuplah tu kan, bukan nak mencekik, harus bersederhana di bulan ramadhan ni.

my eyelids are getting heavier by each minute..

.. but i can't go to bed yet. because if i do, i know i will miss sahur. and that's important to me. most people forget that sahur is essential in our fasting ritual as it differentiate ours than the jewish for they don't take sahur.

the best time for sahur, according to the sunnah of our Prophet is as near to fajr's time. if i am in malaysia now, i would eat half an hour before subuh, at 5.15am. but being subuh at 4am here, i should eat around 330am. the current time ticks at 1am and i still have 2 hours to kill and it's really tempting to doze off a few minutes. hahah as if. the next thing i know, sun would be streaming down on me. no no no.

i must say my first day was quite challenging. i'm embarrassed to admit this but my lips is stinging and chapped due to lack of water. manja kededek, as my niece would say. so, i'm sipping on tap waters in between writing blog, facebooking and blog hopping. usual tasks that require lotsa drinking. heheh.

i just finished reading an amazing and fascinating blog. and i really really really envy her for her talent. i wish i can write stuff like that. i know, that dream is buried deep down and i don't see any chances of it to come true.

the blogger could come up with the wittiest, cunniest ideas that i never though of myself. impressed. but what caught my attention is that the blogger's piece of mind did not make certain parties happy. yes, i know, truth can be hurtful but coming from literature background, i do not believe in censorship in writing. it's a crime to slander a writer's creativity because to me, a tiny piece of wonderful creative is not easy to come by that you just can't simply crush it to bits. it's crucial to have freedom of writing as that is exactly that can teach the society by whatever means.

true enough, it is not necessary to be in total agree of everything a writer has laid out. so how do we let people know that we don't agree? we sit down and discuss/debate in the most humanly manner, because we are human after all, and perhaps come up with an intelligent conclusion. hah, that's what makes us interesting, right?

please be open minded, people, we don't want to move backwards instead of forward. independence day is coming up soon and it wont mean a thing if we, the society itself has no qualms to change for the better.

oh my. i am so sleepy. should i sleep? i think i shoould. let's hope that the big power up there will wake me up.

ta.

nuha, tengok ni kaki zulfa, macam kaki KFC kan?

Ya Allah!



a 3 year old kid's answer.

still a month but i'm getting all melancholic now..

am at noraini's place in sheffield. my lappie is cranking up more than usual, so it took half an hour just to get connected. yeah, tomorrow will be the first day of fasting. 2 hours shy of sahur time.

i just found out something that disturbs me a little bit. i am trying not to put much thought on it but it's still there, lingering. the lingering doesn't show any reaction, good or bad, yet. it's like waiting for a volcano to explode but if it were to explode, it should have by now.

not making sense there, i know. moving on.

it almost feels like it is next week that i will be going back. some part of me is trying to hold back the time but another part of me is missing good old home. time passes by and before you know it, i am on the plane to malaysia.

good god, i am going to miss the kids. yeah, even though i seem to grumble and whine about the kids but it was fun, i tell you. i'll be missing the little spunk. no more fights. no more shouting. no more teasing her. no more of having grown-up like conversation with her. no more of threatening to go back malaysia when she's being the most difficult ever. she can be the toughest but she can hit the softest spot in me. i couldn't be angry that long, after all she's just a little kid. i hope they will still remember me after 3 years. hahah.

it's going to be hard. i know so. some part of me, deep down, i feel wistful of what i am deprived of. i wonder if i will have my own kids one day? or would i just get into fights with the nieces and nephews only? perhaps there is a sign that i haven't able to see yet. but it's ramadhan, a month of blessings where most of your prayers will be answered. you just have to believe and have faith in everything you do. who knows, i might get knocked after syarif gets back. hahah.

okay, need to sleep of what the night is left. kang tak bangun sahur, tak larat nak jalan shopping.

ramadhan kareem, everyone!

garlic chicken pizza's taking heat in the oven..

.. while here i am, blogging away.

yeah, i know it's been ages since i last update my blog and i kind of missing it too. and it's not due to the fact of blogger's block, per se, but rather the fact that i don't have any particular interests that i want to blog about. since i'm in the mood of crapping away, so here i am.

i never thought of saying this, i think i am almost glad to get back to work in september. from what i gather from the emails i received, my office is going through another transition, which the previous transition has not even set in, and i can't wait to see any new changes. if there are any, knowing that place can go through as many transitions as possible but it will never change, for better. or worse.

i almost can see myself coming into office on the first day after 3 months absence, nervous to see my boss. and a new vice president. thank god that he doesn't come there often hence of higher chances of not meeting the old man. or perhaps i am more likely to be nervous of the work piling on my desk in the span of 3 months. ahhh the sheer torture of all this! hating work but can't stop work, you just can't have it both ways.

another question i will be dreading to face is when people ask whether i am pregnant or not. the worst time would be during raya, of course, when everyone will get together and update each other with tidbits of news. get this, people, i will scream out to the world if i AM pregnant. sheesh.

in response to negative answer to above, they would say, oh it's okay you just have to work harder. what the hell is that? having children of your own is a blessing, i wouldn't dream of pushing it away. but if i have to change the nature of course by forcing to have sex and not derive pleasure from it but instead feeling of doing work/homework, then maybe it's better off i don't have kids at all. i want to have kids from love-making, not some hard-work sex. children have to be made of love so that they can make the world a better place to live in.

stop telling me to work harder at sex.

i just popped another pizza in the oven, cheezy tuna this time. garlic chicken tastes okay but the dough is a bit crunchy though, not like domino's. how do i do dough like theirs? oh well, i'll call them biscuit pizza. haha.

we are invited to a friend's house tonight, her friend's more likely, for a yassin reading and to honor the upcoming ramadhan. i'm a bit reluctant to go since it's not my friend's hosting but i have to due reasons that can't be listed here. so, i'll update later on that, if i'm not in a ficklish mood.

i need to take the kids outside. i just taught them the pleasure of lying on the grass while staring off in the sky. seems like they are addicted to the activity, which i secretly think it's just an excuse for them to go out. but it's good for them to be out in the fresh air than being cooped in the house like chickens. we can chew away on the pizzas, read books and fool around. ah the simple pleasure in life!

enough of crapping for today.

lunch dates, anyone?

haha.

i don't know why i'm laughing, but i feel exhilarated. flight has been booked, will go back on 16th sept. can't wait of course despite all the rushed shopping sprees.

ramadhan is nearing, starting this saturday. if all goes according to plan, we will go to sheffield this friday and crash noraini's crib. should be fun considering that i won't be cooking on my first day of fasting. hehe. i'm hoping for crazy damaging shopping too. whoa!

went to town yesterday at 2pm. too bad the shops closed quite early (that's uk for you, wouldn't trade malaysia malls for anything) as i came home empty handed. i tried a pair of jeans at debenhams and liked it but i decided to walk around first and come back later if nothing could beat that piece. as usual i got carried away with time and little did i know, it was already 445pm and the shops were starting to close, customers being turned away. now, i can't stop thinking about that jeans. it is perfectly faded, just the pair i've been searching for since i lost mine at one of the hotels i stayed. i hope it's still there when i go next week.

planning to bake chocolate banana cake tomorrow, found a recipe at nigella's website. it looks simple enough so let's see how that turns out. ever since that disastrous apple crumble pie, i sworn not to bake any more but my hands are itching to try new recipes. there's something about mixing together ingredients, getting the measurements right, getting to know unfamiliar substances and most importantly, the satisfaction of seeing the mixture as a whole. then you hope against all hopes that your creation would not flop. if it didn't, you'd hit the roof in delirious state, but if it did, you'd swear never to touch the beaters again. but then, you know it wouldn't be the case.

i wish i can have another whole month away from work, being lazy in the realm of home is so much irresistible. huh, nightmares nightmares!!

run, care bears, run!

Squatting and groaning in front of the television, my 3 year old niece did business number two while watching one of her many favourite cartoon programmes, the care bears. When telling her to change diapers, she pleaded to wait until the programme finishes. i said okay but don't run around in case she suddenly sit down and get all her business squashed. gross, i know.

time passed (i was waiting for the commercials to come on air) when she said, kalau toilet kat depan tu (finger pointed towards tv) kan senang cik arah nak cebok uha.

ha bagus, biar semua care bears lari bau taik ha yang busuk banga.

she giggled.

hurmm, the things kids come up with nowadays. sabar jelah aku.

it's the 'bore' day

i never knew such boredom in my life.

in my coughing phase so whenever i cough, the pain shoots straight up to my head. last night, i cried myself to sleep. no wonder all my body aches right now.

went to nottingham malaysia committee (NMC) gathering and i must say this, it is quite the bleakest event i have ever been to. i was trying not to yawn all the time (which i barely pass) and look bored. i didn't meet anyone interesting except for a makcik who came visit her daughter. she was ready enough to entertain me so i let her be. the food was okay and i finally got to eat fish. i loaded up a whole big plate of fish soup and fried fish. gila tamak haloba. tapi puas babe.

i planned on going to town today but the SIL wanted to go to a friend's house. not that i have anything to do with her friend but seeing that i'm the driver most of the time, well i have to oblige her request. but everything cancelled, the children were sleeping and it was too late to go to town. ramadhan is just around the corner so i must make a trip at least once. maybe next week. heheh.

i realize that we are into august already and will be going back next month. i thought time would never come and now i can't wait to go back. at least i have something nice to look forward to. though what's stopping me to feel all nice is the thought of going back to work. i have googled up and found a term for my distress, ergophobia. someone who has a phobia of going to work, afraid of making mistakes, afraid of people criticising of her work etc. all the symptoms there are the same as mine. mostly. whooo. so i have to live with the fact that work is never for me. i can't do things that require a lot of expectations from me, waiting for me to screw up and get kicked out.

caffeine high

lately, i've been taking too much caffeine. dah lama dah tak minum kopi sebab taknak terlalu depend on it. i have to take coffee at 8pm everyday cos i want to stay awake and chat with syarif. uk is 4 hours ahead of brazil so usually at 12 i'll be yawning my head off.

masalahnya, sekarang ni syarif sangat berdisiplin orangnya sejak bini dia takda. sebelum ni, pukul 12 malam pun aktif lagi. usah di pagi hari, 12 tengahari baru bangun. jadi, boleh bayangkan kejengkelan aku melihat dia tidur pukul 10 mlm tiap-tiap hari. dan bangun 1 jam sebelum subuh, siap2 dan pergi kerja. nanti aku balik, nak tengok sampai keja on time tak ke pukul 10 lagi. haha. nampak sangat aku ni bad influence.

selalu kami chat sekejap je, around 3 hour. waktu dia pukul 10, waktu aku pukul 2 pagi. waktu-waktu untuk berpisah sementara. dia boleh lah tidur. aku ni, terkebil2 depan pc lagi. nak tidur tak boleh. esok minum lagi kopi. because i don't have to go to work, i can make allow compromise on my side.

siang tadi pergi wollaton park. sebab dah janji, tak kira hujan atau tidak, kena redah jugak. memang hujan pun tapi tak kisah, bila lagi nak berperasaan dalam hujan, ya tidak? park kereta di paling bawah sekali, betul-betul depan taman permainan. main-main sekejap, bosan, we walked up to wollaton hall. we had to hike a sloppy hill with deer dung all over. nak bagi semangat punya pasal, bought them ice-cream (ridiculous, i know, it's raining!). so it was fun jumping and squealing avoiding the dung while sucking on ice. sampai kat puncak, we went through some old buildings and took pictures from my phone. sedih betul, bila semangat nak bergambar, camera rosak. bila ada, malas nak keluarkan camera. tulah dia, you never know what you miss until it's gone.

and then, the hightlight of the visit was the secret garden. it looks old, gloomy and creepy from the outside but when we went in, it was breathtakingly beautiful with colourful flowers in bloom. so, we had our little picnic, more of a snack actually, on a bench facing a lake. cantik. the kids were chasing a squirrel while feeding it with their crisps. the squirrel was quite tame and looked cute holding a potato chip in its little paws. then, i treated them a few souvenirs, bouncy balls with embedded butterflies.

definitely need to come back again because i didn't get to see the museum and the hall. another rainy day perhaps, perfect for staying inside old gloomy places. heheh. now, i must try to sleep. ni mesti stock bangun pukul 1 ptg. if caffein can make me awake, it can also knock me out dead once i get to sleep. heh.

p/s: i nak upload gambar kat handphone, tak boleh juga. baru perasan all the pictures are missing. i pernah dengar electronic devices from malaysia mesti weng bila di negara lain sebab sejuk. janganlah pulak laptop aku lepas ni. betul ke?

marblethorpe beach

the beach was fantastic. it was a 2 hour drive, in the heart of lincolnshire called marblethorpe. we did get lost a bit, thanks to tomtom for the confusion, but managed to get there after a few calls of help.

the beach is nothing like in malaysia. you won't see the sea until you walk right up to it. we walked from the car park which took 5 minutes and even that you still cannot see the water. when we reached the gate to the sand, suddenly the sea is right in front of us. we found a perfect spot to have a picnic and the kids to play.

the weather's fine, a bit chilly perhaps even though the sun is shining through. the grown ups ate while chatting away and the kids played with sand. i had a short nap before i went off to take a walk. surprisingly, not many were bathing. i thought the water was cold so i tested it. but no, it was just nice so i walked right to the other end of the beach. gila jauh. but it was nice, having the time to myself while picking up some sea shells for the niece, though i wished syarif was there with me. when i got back after the walk, everyone teased aku melayan jiwa suami jauh. memanglah takkan tak paham lagi kot.

huh.

sorry, no pictures my camera made a nuisance of itself, the lens won't close. haih, kenalah beli yang baru. oh yeah, the apple crumble was a total disaster! i dont know what went wrong, the apples were tough! what a waste.

running wild

we are off to the beach tomorrow. i asked SIL where exactly it is but she forgot the name. it's 2 hour drive and i haven't had a wink of sleep yet.

i made tuna croissant, just like dunkin donut's, and apple crumble pie. i was being adventurous, as usual, instead of using butter to make the crumbs, i used cream cheese. apparently, the crumbs are slightly coarse cos the cheese is a bit sticky business. when baked, it looks okay but the taste has yet to be criticised. i even made sweet cream sauce to go with it. yummy!

there's been conflict raging inside me now. i'm easily upset nowadays. let's hope that tomorrow promises some fun craziness with good food and perfect weather. cos that's all i need now.

dragonball evo + nasi lemak = headache (but in a blissful way)

it has been raining all day. sejuk nak mamposs!!

today i took the kids to cinema. they have this programme called the bookworm club or something and colaborated with showcasecinema to galakkan budak-budak kecil minat membaca. your kid have to read a book and then fill a form, which can be downloaded from the website, just google up showcasecinema okay cos i'm too lazy right now. haha. it's easy to fill in, just write down a brief description of the book she has read and a few other details, then wallah, free movies babes!!

of course, we don't get to choose what movies but the movies listed were quite new though not like centuries ago. there are 6 movies altogether, each one each wednesday at 10am, and we missed last week because it was fully booked and today, finally, i bundled them up and got there before 930am, more than half an hour early!! it wasn't that full, maybe people weren't really anticipating dragonball evolution, well i didn't to be honest, but hell, it was free and something to do during the school holidays.

such a disappointment with dragonball movie. there goes my imagination crushed built during reading the comics. goku is not cute at all, he has long face!! not roundish and cheeky! but i love his hair though ;p. and i didn't like cici too, i find her too normal and.. not cici at all. they have made the movie too hollywoodish that it lost its appeal. jangan buat cerita dragonball lah kalau macam ini gayanya. gila tak cool.

nuha didn't like the movie much, she was scared of the green-faced piccolo (i found him quite interesting, yeah, i like bad boys) and sat on my laps throughout the movie. i keep assuring her that it's nothing, it's just a movie. even her bigger sister were a bit scared but thank god she didn't ask to sit on my laps too because at the end of the movies, i couldn't feel my legs then!! imagine a sack of 15kg on top of you for a whole 1 hour plus. nasib baik comel.

then i cooked nasi lemak, the niece has been hankering me for nasi lemak since last week. kasihan punya pasal buatlah. well, i've been putting off because i couldn't possibly top off her mother's nasi lemak, she makes fantastic sambal, i tell you, kang tak jadi mesti mengutuk aku punya, tau jelah mulut budak-budak ni kan mengikut landasan honesty is the best policy. but it turned out okay, dah habis pun. hahah. and nak jadikan cerita, memang buruk perangai, i slept after makan nasi lemak, gila tak tahan macam kena drugged. dahlah hujan, sejuk, memang sedap gila lah. ish.

sekarang pening kepala menyesal tak sudah.

marilah kita berjoli, mahu?

i'm buggered of the fact that we will miss the bali trip in oct and that person will be back in nov. everything we planned has gone awry. and i didn't ask for additional 2 months of separation (abstinence should be the issue here) but that's what is going to happen, according to the new plan. huh.

being irrational, i thought of booking a flight to bali on the day he arrives but that would be too cruel after all those long hours on the plane. besides, we could end up fighting because i need attention and he would be too tired to see to my gedikness. so, i decided that maybe we could get away in the same week. i am so going to make him take a few days leave. mamat tu banyak gila leave tak habis, tak macam aku kaki ponteng kerja!

gee, i still couldn't absorb the actuality of the added lack-of-love months in my head. i'm being a bit ridiculous, i know, but facing kl at its worst on mornings and evenings, i wish i could just shrivel up and die. it's not that i'm afraid to brave through all the horrid traffic jam but i hate seeing everything closing in upon me. i feel suffocated by the swarm. who would be kind enough to take me in for 2 months? anywhere in ampang? just to make me getting to work much easier. haha.

okay, looking on the bright side, this could be just the right time for me to socialise with people whom i missed in the last couple of months. yeah, being single has its pros and cons. but then, at the end of the day, it's a bit unappealing to come to an empty house, let alone an empty, cold bed. i need to draw up a schedule so that i won't feel so alone and miserable. please, people, come and ask me out okay? i need some lovin' and cuddlin' here.

sigh.

entry yang agak meroyankan

end of year is short of 5 months but that doesn't stop me from coming up with a few resolutions. i missed last year's end resolution thingy because i didn't think i need any. i always thought why wait till end of year to come up for resolutions for the next year. life is full of constant changing and thus need constant plan changing. if i were to wait till 31st dec just to say i will not procrastinate in the future, that means i'm allowed to procrastinate while i still have because next year i will have to start being not a procrastinator. but being human, when habits have set in, real hard, believe me, it's going to take lots of sweat just to overcome them. speak of old habits die hard.

okay, dah lari topik. that's what happen when i let my mouth run away.

my resolution. i noticed that i have hundreds of blog entries untagged. that's because i couldn't be bothered to tag and categorised them. it's too much work for me to come up with a quirky label. and another thing is because my posts mostly are so random that even i can't pin point the main gist i'm writing about. you can read a person by his writing (well, that's what i did my degree in) whether he's well read, constructive, creative and so forth. when i read my own writing, i know i'm a person easily side-tracked, emotional, losing aim, couldn't be bothered with anything and..short of words. haha.

sometimes i feel sorry for myself. but there's nothing that can be done about it. it's a fact that i have come into terms with. i could never be what i wanted to be. people can come up to me and say, you don't even know because you haven't tried. how come you give up easily? yes, call me weak and stupid, but i know my person better and should know where to stop before i hurt myself. i know what my limits are, at least i am aware of that and could something else to make it up. what's more important is that i can do what i love most even though i may never be good enough. so stop judging.

kan dah side-tracked lagi. i left malaysia with small possession but in more than a month i have accumulate harta benda melampaui batas. i have packed half of it but still half of my room is full of my things. i don't know i'm going to bring back all these things. guess what, i went to car boot to look for some books when i saw this kenwood fruit juice maker. the man offered GBP3 but i haggled for a lower price but the man wouldn't budged so i left and continued looking around. then it started to rain and i ran to carpark, passing by him, packing up. i stopped and asked for GBP2 because of the weather. he agreed! wheeee! and did i mention that it's still brand new and works perfectly?!

i'm terrible at ending things. that's why i'm always stuck in a relationship so long. haha. but good thing though i got it right the first time. so, how shall i label this?

yasmin ahmad, a living legend

It is a shock to all of us that Yasmin Ahmad died yesterday. My sincerest condolences to her family and close friends. May Allah bless her soul and place her among the good men.

I know that she made good films and commercials too, but I never got around finishing watching her earlier movie, Sepet, let alone the latest one, talentime. Well, partly because I get restless watching a film for more than 30 minutes while I can read a whole book for 2 hours non-stop. That’s why I always read her blog more often than watching her films.

A recent entry from her blog about the death of Teoh Beng Hock, there was one comment from her reader that questions about ‘sudden death’. He said, and I quote,

“There is just too many "sudden death" happening in our detention.

I have always wondered what "sudden death" means?
When one dies suddenly like in a heart attack does it constitute sudden death? How about a car accident victim? Or a person who drops dead from a stroke?

Someone please explain sudden death to me.
And someone please explain what the hell is going on in this country.

And you know what’s the funny part of all this? Yasmin didn’t address to this comment as she did to other comments. Because I was quite curious to know what she have to say about this and I find it odd that she missed that one. Another response she gave that struck me is “but if this had happened to a member of your family, would you be as accepting? takdir is takdir, but in islam, if someone were murdered, his family decides the fate of his murderer. Yes, takdir is takdir but sometimes, even if that person did not die murdered, for instance a sudden heart attack, certainly the family would be hard of accepting. All the reasons were too soon, too young, got too much going on for him and so on. It’s human nature that people tend to be accepting, if not a little, if that person dies of a suffering illness or old age because then we are prepared to let the person go.

In light of the question on ‘sudden death’, we never know when our time is due. Some people are fortunate enough to know the chances of facing death (like being diagnosed cancer) so that knowledge can sink in slowly. But for many that doesn’t know (of course we don’t know), we have to make the best of time we have in life. A wise saying from our Prophet (PUH) that sounds more or less, worship as if death awaits you tomorrow.

In one of the tributes to her, I love her commercial ‘beautifully imperfect’ the most. Most of her works can relate to our life, no fairy-tale like, (kudos to her degree in psychology) which is most important because only then we would receive the message in her work. I have a lot to learn and one of them is to embrace the imperfections and make the best of it while I still have time. Because naturally, once you are gone, it’s the imperfection that will be remembered affectionately.

All of this makes me want to peluk-peluk sayang with what time is left.

yes, it is hard for us to accept the fact Yasmin Ahmad, one of the gifted talents, has finally left us all behind. but forget not, she still lives on through her beautiful works.

Al-fatihah.