green-eyed bogeyman

it's one of those days where you feel that nothing is right. everything looks gloomy, even the weather is overcast, reflecting your mood. i would imagine, if a mood can have colors, mine would be grey today. yes, i'm having one of those days.

have you ever feel like sitting down and cry out your heart for no apparent reasons?

have you ever feel like nobody cares a dimwit about you?

have you ever feel that everything you do is never right?

have you ever feel so dejected, rejected, and helpless?

have you ever feel you don't want to do anything at all, and i mean nothing at all, but just sit and mope around?

right now, i'm feeling all of above and more that even words won't do justice. i acn feel the tip of swelled emotions deep within me, waiting to spill out at the mere of stupid things.

the same thing happened last month and i had two accidents in a row within 2 days. after the second one, right after i settled with that person, i sat in the car and cried buckets for a good half an hour. not because i was hurt or anything, just because i feel it will make me feel better.

i am a person who seldom cries no matter how bad things get. i can always keep check of my emotions. even when i feel like crying i would push it back far inside, not wanting to admit that only weak people cry. so when things got really bad that week, i broke down. i went to a doctor and cried to her. she couldn't make out what i was saying. i was prescribed with ubat penenang jiwa. then i continued crying when syarif called, sitting at a corridor of shoplots building.

yes, he freaked out because he never saw me cry like that. he must have regretted marrying a lunatic. then, after i calmed down, i laughed really hard at myself for being such a weakling. i made a joke of it, in fact.

now it's happening again, should i laugh first then cry, or vice versa, or should i just keep shut the emotions stirring inside?