Jul 22, 2011

if only i could fly freely

decided to sleep at the parents' last night. hubby has been away since tuesday and i've been keeping my own company so  why not i show up unannounced? as if they would be surprised.. pfft

too many events piled up this coming saturday, which is tomorrow. have to choose wisely, i can't cut up my body just to be in all the places at once. i would have gone to a trip to jb if i hadn't need to be on standy to fetch hubby at the airport. sheesh..

lately, i have been quite a recluse, finding that my home is such a blessing. i tire easily of useless conversations, especially with strangers. it drains up my inner energy just to muster some effort in humanly contact.it's a disease, i know, not wanting to meet people.. more than once i have cancelled meet ups and such just because i didn't feel up to it.. but there are good days when i just can't get enough of them.

was rudely awakened by two birds flying around the room. they were trying to find escape. i squealed and hid under the blanket. i was helpless, i wanted to help but at the same time i was.. abit squeasy.. one bird were struck down by the fan and i nearly cried. i just run out of the room, praying hard that the surviving one will find its way out.. yeah, i managed to open all the windows first.

the point is? i don't want to end up like the bird, seeing its partner lifeless and no where to go. i'm so depressed..

Jul 12, 2011

difficult babies

i'm feeling a bit sad tonight...

i knew this would come eventually but i won't let it spoil today spent with syarif. it was great fun, we rarely get to go out on dates now, he's so busy with work and all, so we made the best of what time we have. watched transformers (at last! tickets were selling fast!) at the cineplex damansara and had the whole suite to ourselves! of course, we can only do this on special occasions or else it will take out the whole meaning of celebration right? ended the night with dinner at my favourite mamak, fareez maju. ;)

few days back marked our 4th year of marriage. i feel like it was only yesterday we got married. i was in pekanbaru at the time, hence the special date today, i nearly cried when syarif texted saying, we have a whole life to make babies, when the right time comes. i asks him, why is it so hard for us and so easy for others?

we once discussed about adoption and both mutually agree that it's not an option as of now. we are still young and we just need to work harder than everyone else. perhaps, this is my part of Allah's testing patience. a neighbour of mine, she got married last year at age 30 and just delivered a baby. it just shows that marrying at a very young age doesn't mean you can easily get babies. at least, that's what she said to me.

someone in the family just had a baby girl, and so cute with chubby cheeks! i could hardly resist not to pinch the cheeks, if she was mine i would have done so. ;p and hopefully (it's still early!), lil sister is pregnant #2, another addidtion to the crowd. and even though i am happy for them, i just couldn't help feeling a little bit.. off.. as if i'm cutting myself away from all this. there are days when i just feel like leaving everything and crawl into a hole where no one can find me and look at me wondering, why she is still childless.

i am so paranoid now. i know strangers would ask random questions whether i have children and of course it's not their fault they don't know or they wouldn't ask, would they? but even that, i find it very offensive, as if giving a good hard slap is the right answer. i just think there must be other questions that are not too personal eh?

but reading wani ardy soothes me down. i love her writing, her words touch me in many ways. i am humbled by the fact there many women out there who are just like me, going through rough patches. it's just a matter of time before we find a greener side of grass. naturally, the grass patch will thin out to another rough spot and we need to work the patch so the grass will grow back. it's life, it's a cycle, it's inevitable.

oh well, here i am, 4 years old being married and still act like an immature child. no wonder i can't produce one yet. ;p it's okay, people will see me smile graciously when these million dollar questions pop out.. but don't be surprise if you hear teeth gritting with annoyance. it means you need to get far away as possible. ;p 

that reminds me, i still need to visit yatoque and her baby boy!