Short update

I ve been pretty much occupied these past few days. Our house is coming along nicely. I had just washed and mopped the living hall and kitchen. As im typing this, syarif is on fours making the kitchen toilet all nice and ready.

The kitchen countertop is done even though the tiles werent the ones we chose. But since the contractor is such a nice guy and would gladly have them replaced, we were pressed for time before the housewarming do next week. So the price was compensated, the workmanship is quite good for a malay contractor and bottompart is no holes have burn our pockets, yet.

We plan to move our things day by day, starting tomorrow. At least it wont tire us out, a week to get this packed, heaved, unpacked and placed. So maby things to do so i guess i wont have time to feel or think about some matters that can make cry and pull out my hair.

P/s:why is it the moment i want to post pictures something will always stop me doing so. Its either im too lazy to look for the cable, or the pics are with someone else. Now its because i cant figure out posting pics from a phone!!!

the last straw

if there's one thing you should know about my boss, he's a gossipmonger. i heard a saying somewhere that when men gossip, they are even worse than women. and i stand true to this claim.

scenario 1

coming out of a meeting room, i ask, "who was that lady in red kurung?".
meaning, i want to know her position in the company.
his answer will go like this, "ahh, can you believe that she's the second wife to such and such. that's why she's a bit mean and stern.. she must feel so insecured.."

scenario 2

during a discussion on work, he says, "ermm, can you call puan s? she's the one in charge now.."
i say, "oh really, she took over the position now?"
he says, "uhuh, did you know that she took maternity leave for 2 months when in fact she just adopted a newborn baby? people have been talking about it. so, you can imagine bla bla bla..."

scenario 3

heading towards our workstation, he comments, "ahhh, so this baby belongs to wife number...?"
referring to popped up pictures of a colleague's baby daughter.

scenario 4

in a meeting, he declares proudly, "I only got to review the programme's module"...
another declaration, "I manage to increase response rate by 300% than last year, so I should get level 4 for this year.."

scenario 5

walking through the vp's room, he sees vss documents, "oh they are signed already? can i have a look at them?"
the secretary, "no, it's p&c..."
he insists anyway, because a secretary is just a secretary.

scenario 6

his favourite past time, making up stories. there's a lady, single with a good position, who fell in love with him, head over heels. she'd willingly be the second wife. his question, "what would you do in this situation?"
i answer, "just tell her i have a wife whom i love very much and i'm sorry that i don't feel the same way as you do."
his response, "noo!! you can't say that directly, she's in an emotional state, for all we care she could have jump off the building"
me, while walking away, "no wonder men like to cause trouble for being too nice"

scenario 7

he can be so heartless. for someone who declares to be professional in handling situations, he sure does show a display of outrageous emotions. a small mistake, and straight away dismissed. that is, if you are on not-so-good terms with him. else, you could just be another invisible person who couldnt hurt his career in any way.

****************
there are a lot of things he and others did that made me think, is this what a corporate world is like? you push people over whoever gets in your way, without considering their feelings and thoughts, just so your career wouldnt halt? do you ever think what you are giving your family to eat?

sometimes, i think it's better off that i stay at home. i dont need to answer to anyone's orders except syarif's. i wish i'm eloquent and articulate enough so that i could take up translation jobs. teaching is hard. what else can i do?

miscommunication is THE norm here. for a telecommunications company who boasts of being the country's leading new generation communications provider, sure as hell sucks big time in communications. it's a  good thing that you have your ass covered by the BIG MAN up there or i dont know where you would be...

god must have not forgotten me

sometimes, i think human tend to think he is greater than God. especially when it comes to judgments.

no human is free from making mistakes, secara sedar atau tidak. but i believe that most wrongdoings are intentional, it's just a matter of repenting or not, in time.

and even that, after all the wrongdoings commited, with God's grace, you're pardoned because of one little tiny good deed, done out of utmost sincerity.

there's no court in the world can be as fair and just, regardless of millions of lawyers.

yes, i, a human being, couldnt run from this fact. i have done some things that i am not proud of, something that i may think it's not serious but it's life and death to others. i'm frivolous that way, i mean life is too precious to be too serious at all times.

i admit i did wrong but i hate the fact how justice is carried out unfairly. this is a lesson for me, and you out there. don't ever believe the person who put you in a sticky position. not even your boss, heck, not even your flesh and blood. yes, sounds harsh, but that's how life is.

your own wrong doing, your own consequences. i just can't believe i blew my chance away, poof just like that! i regret that very much, deeply i must say, but as i say i have to learn to deal with it. all i hope is that there's a positive side behind all this, even though a wrong-doer like me shouldnt get second chances.

when these things happen, you tend to reflect of what you have done in life to be stuck like this. i know that im not a good muslim, i do try to the best i can, im not a good wife either, or a sister or a daughter. but im trying my best...

im thankful for being put into the right path again. thank you Allah.

weekend pondering

i'm having a crisis at work.

i know it's of my wrongdoing. i know i shouldn't have done what has been done. i know i should apologise for what had happened.

only thing is, my ego is too big to swallow and spit out the S word.

working in this kind of environment has made me into a bitter, heartless, arrogant, hard-headed person. i don't know what went wrong but i should have been stronger to fight all this. i have become so corrupted to the extent of not knowing the the start or the end of it. every wrong seems right, every right seems ridiculous.

i have to admit, i hate the person i'm becoming now. but i can't stop what is happening to me. retaliation seems to be the best cure for now.

however, its maddening to know that you can turn a blind eye on other people's mistakes while a person whom you dislike, you tend to earth up every single damn thing. and just because you are in the higher power, doesn't mean you can do such thing, toss around people you don't like. a leader should be fair at all times, and must abide all the rules in the book. so that, you can be an example to your staff, and people won't say back, why is he pissed off because i did that and that when he can do this and this..

i'm not really good at lying but when i do, i usually get caught. it's like a curse or something. or perhaps it can be a good thing because that means i have to be always honest and true. which kinda sucks because working in a dog-eat-dog world, everyone would rather eat dog shit than to stand up and say no politely.

i drafted a 500 word text message to send to my boss, telling him everything what i feel and such. am still debating whether to send or not. whether its the right thing to do or not. hmm, i guess this is the sign from a bad nightmare i had few nights ago.

why, baby, why?

my mood is as grey as the skies today.

i had a really really really bad dream last night. i even cried in my sleep.

i woke up to syarif's calling my name. he hugged but i pulled away and turned back on him. i couldn't bear the pain i felt in my dream, it was so real. in the dream, he made me cry with my whole heart. that's me, getting all confused with dreams and reality.

i come into work feeling all shrivelled up. i can feel a part of me is still crying quietly, for no reason.

i wish there's a guarantee nothing bad will happen in this life. and that's life, you just can't predict what will, can happen. you just have to take it bravely and trudge on. and most times i doubt that i am strong enough to face all these things. yeah, i may look tough (and meaty) on the outside, but the inside, it's like a jelly wobbly ready to fall anytime.

oh shit, look what a bad dream can do to you.

1st of the '11

oh wow, 2011.

i expected to feel different, but the truth is, i don't even know what to feel or expect for a new year. as if 2011 crept in quietly without much notice. and i never keep track of dates when i'm on holidays. such denial.

except for a few resolutions, which i can't be bothered to write here, for what else is new if not to lose a few pounds, right? ;p

so, i'll just list places that i wish to visit for this year:

USA
Jeddah
Korea
Krabi
India

that's for now. i have to be realistic this year, since i'm in the process of moving out and money doesn't grow on trees. who would spend 3K on curtains alone?? *cowers behind toilet bowl*

oh yeah, the renovation process. it's coming along nicely, lights and fans have been installed, glass stickers planted on kitchen windows, and... more of cruising around looking for curtains and few furniture. really, i'm all for glasses in a house but knowing the price just to cover them up made me think twice now.

of course, it's going to be rented in a few years time, but as i told my family, i wouldn't want to live in a rented-look place. it's been 3 years and more and i need a place to call my own even for a short period of time. mengada kan.

and yeah, i decided to install kitchen cabinet, which i find quite reasonable the price. got that from syarif's friend. so, i'm expecting to move in by end of this month. let's hope everything goes as planned.

p/s: i just noticed this writing post template is new. even blogger has new resolutions!