weekend pondering

i'm having a crisis at work.

i know it's of my wrongdoing. i know i shouldn't have done what has been done. i know i should apologise for what had happened.

only thing is, my ego is too big to swallow and spit out the S word.

working in this kind of environment has made me into a bitter, heartless, arrogant, hard-headed person. i don't know what went wrong but i should have been stronger to fight all this. i have become so corrupted to the extent of not knowing the the start or the end of it. every wrong seems right, every right seems ridiculous.

i have to admit, i hate the person i'm becoming now. but i can't stop what is happening to me. retaliation seems to be the best cure for now.

however, its maddening to know that you can turn a blind eye on other people's mistakes while a person whom you dislike, you tend to earth up every single damn thing. and just because you are in the higher power, doesn't mean you can do such thing, toss around people you don't like. a leader should be fair at all times, and must abide all the rules in the book. so that, you can be an example to your staff, and people won't say back, why is he pissed off because i did that and that when he can do this and this..

i'm not really good at lying but when i do, i usually get caught. it's like a curse or something. or perhaps it can be a good thing because that means i have to be always honest and true. which kinda sucks because working in a dog-eat-dog world, everyone would rather eat dog shit than to stand up and say no politely.

i drafted a 500 word text message to send to my boss, telling him everything what i feel and such. am still debating whether to send or not. whether its the right thing to do or not. hmm, i guess this is the sign from a bad nightmare i had few nights ago.