heloo, i hope you still remember me!

So, the previous post was about my foot, yeah.. Until recently, i have been on painkillers.. To be honest, husband wasnt too thrilled seeing me swallow the white pills everytime the foot starts acting up. I wasnt too, either, since i proclaimed myself a self healer. But because im such a wussy when it comes to pain of all sorts, i just had to succumb to this cowardice.

Husband urged me to see a tukang urut for ages. You see, i sprained my ankle in high school while doing long jump. Landed quite badly i must say, and the foot swelled up nicely. A friend tried to urut but it was so painful i nearly kicked her! I resorted to painkillers (whats wrong with me!) and bandaged it up praying hard it will look normal again. Of course it did, but look what i have to endure now...

I cant be on my feet all day without feeling it sore at night. Had special guests from singapore coming over for dinner. My foot were starting to act up so i decide to dish up simple menu, without putting too much pain. By the time cooking was done, i just can barely walk! But i can put such an act that people dont notice easily. Haha. Cleaned the house and everything. Come morning, im in pain! And it didnt help when husband urged me to go along with him to all 5 openhouses! The last house we went to, i had to struggle my painful foot into the shoe without crying out loud!

So i ajak husband to the clinic for more of those fun pills. I hate doctors, to be honest, im just scared of them. Any mentions of needles, drilling or whatsoever related to doctor, j can just freak out. But for the pills, i sanggup! Husband was adamant, no more pills for you! We go see tukang urut and get that foot of yours right, once and for all! I tried to convince him berurut while on painkillers. At least i wont feel any pain. Haha! He wont hear of it...

Off to the tukang urut and man! I bet all her neighbours are used to hear screams from her house! Husband said i sound so crazy because i was laughing off my head. I said i had to, i cant be crying in front of that makcik, hilang my dignity. Even though im a wussy kan! I was making too much noise. Belum sentuh pun dah terjerit and tertiba teringat my childhood, i always start yowling before my dad hit me. Its a psychological reaction, it lessens the pain. Haha. He rubs it in my face ever since then.

Its been two days since the urut. The day after being urut, i felt extreme pain. I couldnt walk at all. I was cursing the makcik, making me feel even worse. I was tempted to go to clinic for my pills. Good thing it was a weekend, got the husband to wait on me, hands and feet. Muahaha. And today i woke up feeling abit better. The pain is almost going away. But i still walk like a robot though partly because i was afraid of hurting it again, and partly the foot has gone all stiff. And yeah, perhaps i will go to that makcik urut again for the whole body massage!

P/s lets just hope this is gonna be the last entry on my foot. Its quite embarassing already, as if thats the only exciting thing happen in my life. I sure as heaven will try to spice up this blog soon. Its been too long i know! :-)

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Harus sembuh cepat, esok mahu berjimba

Yeah, i know.. This is not the best time to be here after more than a month of silence. But i need this to take my mind off the pain.

Yesterday was my usual house chores day (dusting and vacuuming), except i put an extra notch, i mopped the entire house. That means 4 rooms, living area, dining area, tv area and 3 bathrooms!

By the end of it all, i was totally flat out and decided to iftar outside. ;)

Wait, thats not all yet.

Throughout the night i kept moaning and whining how tired my poor feet were. I vowed never to mop the house again! Usually that is syarif's expertise. I massaged my feet so gently before to sleep.

So this morning, i was rudely awakened by an excruciatingly painful left foot, right at the big thumb area. I could barely walk! And alone too..

Called odah to find the nearest tukang urut. Thank God it's right next to my housing area. Then called maisa for to send there. She has an appointment with a spa and couldnt possibly cancel, just for me. -__-

Was a bit hurt but decided to go by myself. Even wearing shoes hurt, it puts pressure on the foot. I was checking back my tears, feeling so sorry for my foot..

Got to the place in one piece, alhamdulillah, and hobbled in pain to cross the street. The funny part was i acted as if nothing happen tapi bila masuk je klinik terus nak pengsan!

It is a homeopathy clinic, darus syifa'... Registered and waited for the tukang urut. He checked and said,

"Bagi dia lintah seekor. Satu je kang satu seksyen 15 dengar dia menjerit."

I freaked out lah! Pacat and lintah tak boleh buat main2 boleh mati kegelian kot.

"Eh urut je tak boleh ke? Saya tak boleh lintah ni, geli!! Lagipun saya takut darah..."

"Kena buang dulu darah kotor, baru boleh urut. Nanti bengkak lain plak."

Yang peliknya, i just went along what the ustaz suggested. I malu lah nak buat scene sebab takut benda kecik.

Half an hour passed, lintah tu tak nak gigit lagi!! Rasa nak muntah feeling the sliminess kat kaki. Good thing memang kat kaki, so i can't see the lintah. Cuba kalau kat tangan, macam mana??!

Had to puncture the skin first, get the blood out then the lintah latched on. Didn't feel its bite but again the slimy body is enough to make me gag!

Doesnt help that the lady attending to me dozed during the treatment. When she started, she pulled the lintah just to see whether still latching on ke tak o__O

Nearly an hour passed. The lady informed paling cepat sejam. I was counting by the minute. I was bearing the pain and geli at the same time. I cried the whole time.. Walaupun bertwitter dengan geng

To the point i couldnt bear any longer, i was going to tell her to stop the treatment, it was over. Then the massage began. I cant describe how hurt it was. I was crying even harder.

When everything was over, i paid and went home. Not surprisingly, lagi sakit adalah. Throughout the time kat treatment tadi, i was wondering why i didnt go to see a real doctor. I shouldnt have gone to urut first. At least kena scan la dulu kan, who knows it could be muscle tear ke.

Sakit gila. Nak solat pun azab. I cried to sleep just so i dont feel the pain. Itupun restless sleep. Nak pegi clinic betul macam malas dah. Sebab nak jalan pn seksa. Not like anyone would want to dukung kan.

Thought of putting a photo of the lintah treatment. But nak tangkap gambar pun grosses me out. Google image lagi nenakutkan, google lah sendiri at your own risk.




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if only i could fly freely

decided to sleep at the parents' last night. hubby has been away since tuesday and i've been keeping my own company so  why not i show up unannounced? as if they would be surprised.. pfft

too many events piled up this coming saturday, which is tomorrow. have to choose wisely, i can't cut up my body just to be in all the places at once. i would have gone to a trip to jb if i hadn't need to be on standy to fetch hubby at the airport. sheesh..

lately, i have been quite a recluse, finding that my home is such a blessing. i tire easily of useless conversations, especially with strangers. it drains up my inner energy just to muster some effort in humanly contact.it's a disease, i know, not wanting to meet people.. more than once i have cancelled meet ups and such just because i didn't feel up to it.. but there are good days when i just can't get enough of them.

was rudely awakened by two birds flying around the room. they were trying to find escape. i squealed and hid under the blanket. i was helpless, i wanted to help but at the same time i was.. abit squeasy.. one bird were struck down by the fan and i nearly cried. i just run out of the room, praying hard that the surviving one will find its way out.. yeah, i managed to open all the windows first.

the point is? i don't want to end up like the bird, seeing its partner lifeless and no where to go. i'm so depressed..

difficult babies

i'm feeling a bit sad tonight...

i knew this would come eventually but i won't let it spoil today spent with syarif. it was great fun, we rarely get to go out on dates now, he's so busy with work and all, so we made the best of what time we have. watched transformers (at last! tickets were selling fast!) at the cineplex damansara and had the whole suite to ourselves! of course, we can only do this on special occasions or else it will take out the whole meaning of celebration right? ended the night with dinner at my favourite mamak, fareez maju. ;)

few days back marked our 4th year of marriage. i feel like it was only yesterday we got married. i was in pekanbaru at the time, hence the special date today, i nearly cried when syarif texted saying, we have a whole life to make babies, when the right time comes. i asks him, why is it so hard for us and so easy for others?

we once discussed about adoption and both mutually agree that it's not an option as of now. we are still young and we just need to work harder than everyone else. perhaps, this is my part of Allah's testing patience. a neighbour of mine, she got married last year at age 30 and just delivered a baby. it just shows that marrying at a very young age doesn't mean you can easily get babies. at least, that's what she said to me.


someone in the family just had a baby girl, and so cute with chubby cheeks! i could hardly resist not to pinch the cheeks, if she was mine i would have done so. ;p and hopefully (it's still early!), lil sister is pregnant #2, another addidtion to the crowd. and even though i am happy for them, i just couldn't help feeling a little bit.. off.. as if i'm cutting myself away from all this. there are days when i just feel like leaving everything and crawl into a hole where no one can find me and look at me wondering, why she is still childless.

i am so paranoid now. i know strangers would ask random questions whether i have children and of course it's not their fault they don't know or they wouldn't ask, would they? but even that, i find it very offensive, as if giving a good hard slap is the right answer. i just think there must be other questions that are not too personal eh?

but reading wani ardy soothes me down. i love her writing, her words touch me in many ways. i am humbled by the fact there many women out there who are just like me, going through rough patches. it's just a matter of time before we find a greener side of grass. naturally, the grass patch will thin out to another rough spot and we need to work the patch so the grass will grow back. it's life, it's a cycle, it's inevitable.

oh well, here i am, 4 years old being married and still act like an immature child. no wonder i can't produce one yet. ;p it's okay, people will see me smile graciously when these million dollar questions pop out.. but don't be surprise if you hear teeth gritting with annoyance. it means you need to get far away as possible. ;p 

that reminds me, i still need to visit yatoque and her baby boy!

i'm still alive..

.. but kicking with one leg.

when i first started out this blog, it's just to make my daily job bearable. so now, since i've been practically jobless starting last february, i was abit astrayed. it's not my nature to let known my true emotions in public, but let me just say this, what's done is done. i couldn't be more happier than before.

last night, we went to alamanda, to sign up for digi broadband. syarif couldn't bear to think i am alone doing nothing at home. i've refused many times, mind you, with excuses i ahve my books to keep me company. i think he's just signing up for himself, perhaps i don't entertain him enough, what with being married for nearly 4 years. lol. but anyways, here i am, blogging again after more than 2 months of silence.

AND i happen to bump into someone that i would not rather meet in another lifetime. i think i can just leave the gossipmongers behind. wouldn't miss them a bit at all. good riddance to them!

had the kids at my house over the weekend. they were so excited to see STAIRS. i forgive them, since they live in a condo for most of their little lives. haha.

the first thing they ask, 'mana toys aunty sheya?' '-_-"

i woke up to their whisperings. the brother suggests to go downstairs and explore. the little sister agrees. they quietly open the door AND close it. wow. i let them be for nearly 30 minutes, knowing that they can't do nothing much as my house is practically empty. when i came down, the kids were lying on the sofa, i think gossipping about school, teachers and friends. ahaha. how cute is that?

my parents will be coming back this friday. i can't wait to see what they will bring this time. hehe. and then, we have a quite huge food-laden gathering this sunday, to celebrate granma's birthday.. and that night, will be off to bangkok for a few days. i'm so excited about the trip, it's been ages since i get to go travel. ;p

alright, this is just a warm up after so long a silence. let's hope that i will continue to write more. i have so many things crammed up in my head, but the minute i try to write, everything freezes. they just don't look right when you put your thoughts in words. we'll see what we have for tomorrow, yeah?

who says homemaking is easy?

yeap, definitely out of their minds...

cleaning, arranging home and such like have never been my forte. well, i do imagine most times that i can do them anytime easily. but tell me, i wast prepared such hard work just to put away my crocks, pans, dinner sets, spices, belacan, basically everything!!

i vow to get those tupperwares for storage one day!

however, i just need to gloat about this, the only thing i did today that im proud of is cleaning out the fridge. the horror of it, i tell you! all those frozen food throughout these years! my aunt intan would have a fit. dont worry, i wouldnt even try to cook them let alone eat them! it's just that throwing things away takes up so much of my precious time and i can think better ways to have fun than do house chores. ;p

im crazy in a way that nobody gets to mess up my fridge arrangement, not even syarif! only i can create the mess or rearrange things. so imagine the torture i felt throughout the year of seeing my arrangement getting all strewn over. and i never knew i have this obsession until i move in with syarif's parents. because i never cared any mess or disorder around me, i'm just that klutz! but anyhow, i take it as a learning curve, putting boundless limitation to my patience. and it's quite hard when syarif always teases me about it. ;D

and oh, did i tell you that im blogging from my new house? can't really call it a home yet, doesnt have that ambiance a home should have. the living area is full of boxes and plastics, bits of paper, dust (carried with the boxes) and all sorts of rubbish. and another problem i found, i cant decide what to throw out and what to keep. i mean, what if i need it in the near future, right?

so, everytime i cleared a few boxes, a new mess is created. to the point i feel useless of clearing things up because i can never get them done!! such exaggeration, i know! and because i havent installed any cabinets or storage places, its hard for me to stash all my things. dont let me start with my uk visit last 2 years. (that long????) who knew i could accumulate 15 boxes in just 3 months? being that nearly half of them are my books. and there are still boxes at my inlaws. hahah.

all this hype is good, i guess, because then i wont have time to be miserable. im letting things go in accordance. its better this way, i hope. dont ask when's the housewarming. just come over anytime, because i just found the best mamak ever in my neighborhood! ;p

Short update

I ve been pretty much occupied these past few days. Our house is coming along nicely. I had just washed and mopped the living hall and kitchen. As im typing this, syarif is on fours making the kitchen toilet all nice and ready.

The kitchen countertop is done even though the tiles werent the ones we chose. But since the contractor is such a nice guy and would gladly have them replaced, we were pressed for time before the housewarming do next week. So the price was compensated, the workmanship is quite good for a malay contractor and bottompart is no holes have burn our pockets, yet.

We plan to move our things day by day, starting tomorrow. At least it wont tire us out, a week to get this packed, heaved, unpacked and placed. So maby things to do so i guess i wont have time to feel or think about some matters that can make cry and pull out my hair.

P/s:why is it the moment i want to post pictures something will always stop me doing so. Its either im too lazy to look for the cable, or the pics are with someone else. Now its because i cant figure out posting pics from a phone!!!

the last straw

if there's one thing you should know about my boss, he's a gossipmonger. i heard a saying somewhere that when men gossip, they are even worse than women. and i stand true to this claim.

scenario 1

coming out of a meeting room, i ask, "who was that lady in red kurung?".
meaning, i want to know her position in the company.
his answer will go like this, "ahh, can you believe that she's the second wife to such and such. that's why she's a bit mean and stern.. she must feel so insecured.."

scenario 2

during a discussion on work, he says, "ermm, can you call puan s? she's the one in charge now.."
i say, "oh really, she took over the position now?"
he says, "uhuh, did you know that she took maternity leave for 2 months when in fact she just adopted a newborn baby? people have been talking about it. so, you can imagine bla bla bla..."

scenario 3

heading towards our workstation, he comments, "ahhh, so this baby belongs to wife number...?"
referring to popped up pictures of a colleague's baby daughter.

scenario 4

in a meeting, he declares proudly, "I only got to review the programme's module"...
another declaration, "I manage to increase response rate by 300% than last year, so I should get level 4 for this year.."

scenario 5

walking through the vp's room, he sees vss documents, "oh they are signed already? can i have a look at them?"
the secretary, "no, it's p&c..."
he insists anyway, because a secretary is just a secretary.

scenario 6

his favourite past time, making up stories. there's a lady, single with a good position, who fell in love with him, head over heels. she'd willingly be the second wife. his question, "what would you do in this situation?"
i answer, "just tell her i have a wife whom i love very much and i'm sorry that i don't feel the same way as you do."
his response, "noo!! you can't say that directly, she's in an emotional state, for all we care she could have jump off the building"
me, while walking away, "no wonder men like to cause trouble for being too nice"

scenario 7

he can be so heartless. for someone who declares to be professional in handling situations, he sure does show a display of outrageous emotions. a small mistake, and straight away dismissed. that is, if you are on not-so-good terms with him. else, you could just be another invisible person who couldnt hurt his career in any way.

****************
there are a lot of things he and others did that made me think, is this what a corporate world is like? you push people over whoever gets in your way, without considering their feelings and thoughts, just so your career wouldnt halt? do you ever think what you are giving your family to eat?

sometimes, i think it's better off that i stay at home. i dont need to answer to anyone's orders except syarif's. i wish i'm eloquent and articulate enough so that i could take up translation jobs. teaching is hard. what else can i do?

miscommunication is THE norm here. for a telecommunications company who boasts of being the country's leading new generation communications provider, sure as hell sucks big time in communications. it's a  good thing that you have your ass covered by the BIG MAN up there or i dont know where you would be...

god must have not forgotten me

sometimes, i think human tend to think he is greater than God. especially when it comes to judgments.

no human is free from making mistakes, secara sedar atau tidak. but i believe that most wrongdoings are intentional, it's just a matter of repenting or not, in time.

and even that, after all the wrongdoings commited, with God's grace, you're pardoned because of one little tiny good deed, done out of utmost sincerity.

there's no court in the world can be as fair and just, regardless of millions of lawyers.

yes, i, a human being, couldnt run from this fact. i have done some things that i am not proud of, something that i may think it's not serious but it's life and death to others. i'm frivolous that way, i mean life is too precious to be too serious at all times.

i admit i did wrong but i hate the fact how justice is carried out unfairly. this is a lesson for me, and you out there. don't ever believe the person who put you in a sticky position. not even your boss, heck, not even your flesh and blood. yes, sounds harsh, but that's how life is.

your own wrong doing, your own consequences. i just can't believe i blew my chance away, poof just like that! i regret that very much, deeply i must say, but as i say i have to learn to deal with it. all i hope is that there's a positive side behind all this, even though a wrong-doer like me shouldnt get second chances.

when these things happen, you tend to reflect of what you have done in life to be stuck like this. i know that im not a good muslim, i do try to the best i can, im not a good wife either, or a sister or a daughter. but im trying my best...

im thankful for being put into the right path again. thank you Allah.

weekend pondering

i'm having a crisis at work.

i know it's of my wrongdoing. i know i shouldn't have done what has been done. i know i should apologise for what had happened.

only thing is, my ego is too big to swallow and spit out the S word.

working in this kind of environment has made me into a bitter, heartless, arrogant, hard-headed person. i don't know what went wrong but i should have been stronger to fight all this. i have become so corrupted to the extent of not knowing the the start or the end of it. every wrong seems right, every right seems ridiculous.

i have to admit, i hate the person i'm becoming now. but i can't stop what is happening to me. retaliation seems to be the best cure for now.

however, its maddening to know that you can turn a blind eye on other people's mistakes while a person whom you dislike, you tend to earth up every single damn thing. and just because you are in the higher power, doesn't mean you can do such thing, toss around people you don't like. a leader should be fair at all times, and must abide all the rules in the book. so that, you can be an example to your staff, and people won't say back, why is he pissed off because i did that and that when he can do this and this..

i'm not really good at lying but when i do, i usually get caught. it's like a curse or something. or perhaps it can be a good thing because that means i have to be always honest and true. which kinda sucks because working in a dog-eat-dog world, everyone would rather eat dog shit than to stand up and say no politely.

i drafted a 500 word text message to send to my boss, telling him everything what i feel and such. am still debating whether to send or not. whether its the right thing to do or not. hmm, i guess this is the sign from a bad nightmare i had few nights ago.

why, baby, why?

my mood is as grey as the skies today.

i had a really really really bad dream last night. i even cried in my sleep.

i woke up to syarif's calling my name. he hugged but i pulled away and turned back on him. i couldn't bear the pain i felt in my dream, it was so real. in the dream, he made me cry with my whole heart. that's me, getting all confused with dreams and reality.

i come into work feeling all shrivelled up. i can feel a part of me is still crying quietly, for no reason.

i wish there's a guarantee nothing bad will happen in this life. and that's life, you just can't predict what will, can happen. you just have to take it bravely and trudge on. and most times i doubt that i am strong enough to face all these things. yeah, i may look tough (and meaty) on the outside, but the inside, it's like a jelly wobbly ready to fall anytime.

oh shit, look what a bad dream can do to you.

1st of the '11

oh wow, 2011.

i expected to feel different, but the truth is, i don't even know what to feel or expect for a new year. as if 2011 crept in quietly without much notice. and i never keep track of dates when i'm on holidays. such denial.

except for a few resolutions, which i can't be bothered to write here, for what else is new if not to lose a few pounds, right? ;p

so, i'll just list places that i wish to visit for this year:

USA
Jeddah
Korea
Krabi
India

that's for now. i have to be realistic this year, since i'm in the process of moving out and money doesn't grow on trees. who would spend 3K on curtains alone?? *cowers behind toilet bowl*

oh yeah, the renovation process. it's coming along nicely, lights and fans have been installed, glass stickers planted on kitchen windows, and... more of cruising around looking for curtains and few furniture. really, i'm all for glasses in a house but knowing the price just to cover them up made me think twice now.

of course, it's going to be rented in a few years time, but as i told my family, i wouldn't want to live in a rented-look place. it's been 3 years and more and i need a place to call my own even for a short period of time. mengada kan.

and yeah, i decided to install kitchen cabinet, which i find quite reasonable the price. got that from syarif's friend. so, i'm expecting to move in by end of this month. let's hope everything goes as planned.

p/s: i just noticed this writing post template is new. even blogger has new resolutions!