happy merdeka!!

i read someone's status on facebook something about being too old to celebrate merdeka and that celebrations worth celebrated are raya and birthdays.

huh.

my first reaction was, shock, then pity. shocked that a person can be so shallow in her thinking and i pity her for not knowing the real meaning of 'merdeka'.

i believe that you people must have your own definition of 'merdeka' based on, well.. living experience and stories of grandmothers and grandfathers. listening to my grandma's horrifying epics during the Occupation Time, a story most memorable to me is when she was at a Japanese's gun point after being sold out by so-called best chinese friend. the main reason why she hates the chinese til today.

i wouldnt say i hate chinese because that would label me a racist. i think that because of the hardships faced during wars, people tend to do anything just to save their own skins regardless of their principles and moral values. we never know what we will turn to be unless we are being put in the same situation. we could have done the same thing all over again.

'merdeka' has many contexts, depending on how you look at it. yes, we are 'merdeka' from the colonisers, but are we really free from thinking like them? looking at the current politics in malaysia, the government is really making a good job of trying to oppress the people. we should be free to think and express of what we feel with the government as a leader to guide us along the way. if we cannot express our opinions on what we expect from them, how can they expect to give us a better life without knowing what we want?

the government must listen to us and we should be heard. only then, we can move forward as one. 1malaysia? huh, we'll see how far they can go. shutting up the people and making decisions best suited to them make them no better than what the colonizers did to us in the past.

referring to the claim above, that someone does not celebrate 'merdeka'. now, come to think of it, i'm almost amused by her honest declaration. she must have think that she sounds intelligent for coming up with a statement like that. judging from her profile, i think she was once a hijab-less girl and hang out with hoo-haa crowds. added to the bonus, she went to all-girls school so you can imagine what it's like. now, she goes to an international islamic uni which of course it is compulsory to don hijabs. she not only wear hijabs but she totally changed her entire attire and look like an arab woman, long abayas, colorful shawls and black-circled eyes.

yes, it is a good transition from ignorance to consciousness of right/wrong. she didn't see it that way as freedom from the black hole, perhaps the main reason she changed is because she prefer to be an arab rather than a malay. hence the not celebrating 'merdeka'. hence the celebration of eid adha and fitr. but birthday? doesn't sound quite right to me. in fact, it's downright funny and a bit stupid.

my hope for 'merdeka' is to be free from society's vicious grips and expectations, from government's unnecessary oppression and from my own side-tracked thoughts that i shouldn't be thinking at all.

overall, happy merdeka people! and enjoy what we have now because we never know what will go missing until they are gone.

missing home

i have never feel so lonely for a long time. syarif is away for a week and who knows how bad the internet connection can be. being on different clock time doesn't help because whe he buzzes me, i'm always not available. this morning, i missed him by a few minutes after he signed. gila sedih.

something happened last night, which i won't reveal here for certain reasons, that leave me feeling not myself today. i lost heart to talk to anyone, silence seems the best option right now. things that may mean little to other people can be big to me, depending who gets the end of things. of course, that goes to me without saying, i could hurt people too without noticing it. so, trying to be a mature being, i need to lick my own wounds, forgive and forget. i won't put blame on anybody in this, partly because i can be such a sensitive person for no apparent reason, and partly because there's noone to blame for.

right now, i can't wait to go back home and be with my own family. i miss having maggi sessions in the middle of the nights with my sisters and talk about silly stuffs with no boundaries. we would make 1 packet of maggi (diet reason overshadow the fact of sharing is caring ;p) souped with egg, lots of cili padi and various sauces. then we sit around the big bowl with chopsticks and spoons, laughing over stupid stories. then, there will be fights of who will finish up the last bit. haha. memories memories.

since syarif won't be around for a while, this is the best time to do that before i resume my role in married routines. that is, if odah is available as she's already tied down too, but if not, i will just have to settle down with qaya then. no offense there, girl! hihi.

2 more weeks. if only i can get someone to do the packing for me.

*sigh*

let me say again, my marriage is not based on conceiving babies

This question has been on my mind for quite some time; why is it that when a woman couldn’t get pregnant, the fault would be entirely on her?

Being married more than 2 years, I am still not with child yet.

Helpless? Yes.
Miserable? Yes.
Feeling like a failure? Yes.
Angry? Yes.
Sad? Yes.

In fact, I’m feeling everything and more. I couldn’t help not getting pregnant, and that makes me helpless. I couldn’t help being miserable knowing that I’m hopeless in this. Yes, I admit at times I feel like a failure, to myself, to my husband, to my family for not giving them a child they and I so want. But at most times, I feel angry with the world for being insensitive when asking inconsiderate questions about this.

I never get angry at questions like, dah ada anak?
Because then I will answer, belum lagi.
And they will say, oh takpe adalah tu nanti.

But.

I hate questions like, bila nak ada baby?
Because then I wouldn’t know what to answer except for, ntahlah.
And they will say, oh kau planning ke?

What the hell is that? Do you want me to say, oh perhaps tomorrow I’ll give you a baby. Oh I forgot, I’ve other things to do tomorrow so how about next week? You think it’s that easy? For me and for you? Well, easy for you to say, maybe.

So, when my answer to family plan is not in affirmative, another question will follow.
Eh, kau tak nak check ke? Mana tahu, kau ada problem ke.

Now you are accusing me with a problem. Nice. How do you that maybe there's a possibility it’s not me that has a problem, it could always be the man. Not that I’m saying Syarif is problematic in that area. It’s just that the general perception lay out by the society it’s always the woman’s fault if she could not give a child. Do you know that a man dips in a hand too to make that small human being? Or do you think that we women just wake up one morning to find a bulging tummy ready for birth, all by own?

Tsk.

What saddens me most is that sometimes these questions come from the effeminate circle. Women should stand up for their own kind, not letting them get ambushed instead. It is ironic that I have to withstand aimless insults from women rather than men. I just had to laugh off all this when things become too unbearable.

It is natural order of things that we cannot interfere with; women will always punish each other to see who will suffer the most. Who knows in the future, I might be one of them to ‘kill’ another helpless lady.

Which will leave me no better off.

p/s: ya, jangan risau adalah medical follow up nanti. then we'll see.

mimpi bayi comel

he made me cry today.

as usual, we chat before he goes to work.


him: sayang, last night i dreamed about you. you have a baby and really cute too.

me: really? hihihi. i tak pernah mimpi pasal dapat baby lagi.
apa nama dia? girl ke boy?

him: tatau plak. haah, itu pun my first time mimpi macam tu.
macam best mimpi tu.

me: best? apa yang best?


then he signed out because the driver has already arrived.

pilu campur gembira bila pikir pasal anak ni. but then, pilu lagi kuat because the question is, bila lah lagi?

fourth day of fasting..

.. and i'm already delusional.

rather than letting the blueberries go bad, so i decide to do something about it.
googled up recipes and found one that i like, the pictures look convincing enough, and yes, mouthwatering.

i whisk everything accordingly as laid out in the recipe.
i even got butter and sugar creamed till light and fluffy, which i rarely do because i don't exactly know how light and fluffed butter sugar look like.

then i got to the last part of combining flour and milk.
hunger pangs blurring my vision, i read 80ml of milk as 800ml.
i didn't register what i was doing until i have poured 650ml into the mixture when i know something was not right.
i stopped and checked the recipe.
80ML??????? and i poured in nearly a litre?
oh please, someone, kill me.

at least, i manage to save 200ml of milk. ;p

i stumped.
i thought of throwing away the batter and start again.
but the mere thought of creaming butter and sugar is sooo loooong (no wonder i never get that creaming right because i am impatient) and who knows what will turn out next.
i might as well try to remedy the mistake instead.
so, i strained the batter.
and went on whisking again, adding a little bit of flour, egg, sugar and vanilla estract.
because i thought some of the essence must also have gone through the strainer.
everything got whisked not in particular order.
i can just see a disaster form ahead.

the cake bakes around 40-50 minutes. i just checked, at 40 mins, and it's not even cooked in the inside, all gooey like.
ahhhhhh!!!
i know if i put on another 10 minutes it still won't be done yet.
oh why can't i get a simple cake done?

sedih betul tau.

dan lagi menyedihkan, the berries wouldn't stay on top, they sank to the middle.
i bet the batter is too watery.

*sigh*

gurindam orang tak dapat fesbuk

huh. facebook is making a nuisance of itself. the layout is upside down and i can't find certain applications that i wanted to log in. i can't read messages. i can't give silly comments on other people's pages. i can't approve requests. and most of all, i can't tell you guys what's on my mind all day. haha. good thing i can still tend to farm buddy, even that someone stole a chilli just because i couldn't click on 'my farm'. is it only me or are you facing the same problem too?

since i can't give a piece of mind at facebook, so here it goes:

Sarah M. Ali is packing, not because she can't wait to go home but to see how much more space she can squeeze in more things. hahah.

okay, puas hati.

it's 4pm already, i haven't start cooking yet. need to wait a few minutes until my peas are done to be harvested before they get stolen. heheh. in the meantime, chicken curry good enough? cukuplah tu kan, bukan nak mencekik, harus bersederhana di bulan ramadhan ni.

my eyelids are getting heavier by each minute..

.. but i can't go to bed yet. because if i do, i know i will miss sahur. and that's important to me. most people forget that sahur is essential in our fasting ritual as it differentiate ours than the jewish for they don't take sahur.

the best time for sahur, according to the sunnah of our Prophet is as near to fajr's time. if i am in malaysia now, i would eat half an hour before subuh, at 5.15am. but being subuh at 4am here, i should eat around 330am. the current time ticks at 1am and i still have 2 hours to kill and it's really tempting to doze off a few minutes. hahah as if. the next thing i know, sun would be streaming down on me. no no no.

i must say my first day was quite challenging. i'm embarrassed to admit this but my lips is stinging and chapped due to lack of water. manja kededek, as my niece would say. so, i'm sipping on tap waters in between writing blog, facebooking and blog hopping. usual tasks that require lotsa drinking. heheh.

i just finished reading an amazing and fascinating blog. and i really really really envy her for her talent. i wish i can write stuff like that. i know, that dream is buried deep down and i don't see any chances of it to come true.

the blogger could come up with the wittiest, cunniest ideas that i never though of myself. impressed. but what caught my attention is that the blogger's piece of mind did not make certain parties happy. yes, i know, truth can be hurtful but coming from literature background, i do not believe in censorship in writing. it's a crime to slander a writer's creativity because to me, a tiny piece of wonderful creative is not easy to come by that you just can't simply crush it to bits. it's crucial to have freedom of writing as that is exactly that can teach the society by whatever means.

true enough, it is not necessary to be in total agree of everything a writer has laid out. so how do we let people know that we don't agree? we sit down and discuss/debate in the most humanly manner, because we are human after all, and perhaps come up with an intelligent conclusion. hah, that's what makes us interesting, right?

please be open minded, people, we don't want to move backwards instead of forward. independence day is coming up soon and it wont mean a thing if we, the society itself has no qualms to change for the better.

oh my. i am so sleepy. should i sleep? i think i shoould. let's hope that the big power up there will wake me up.

ta.

nuha, tengok ni kaki zulfa, macam kaki KFC kan?

Ya Allah!



a 3 year old kid's answer.

still a month but i'm getting all melancholic now..

am at noraini's place in sheffield. my lappie is cranking up more than usual, so it took half an hour just to get connected. yeah, tomorrow will be the first day of fasting. 2 hours shy of sahur time.

i just found out something that disturbs me a little bit. i am trying not to put much thought on it but it's still there, lingering. the lingering doesn't show any reaction, good or bad, yet. it's like waiting for a volcano to explode but if it were to explode, it should have by now.

not making sense there, i know. moving on.

it almost feels like it is next week that i will be going back. some part of me is trying to hold back the time but another part of me is missing good old home. time passes by and before you know it, i am on the plane to malaysia.

good god, i am going to miss the kids. yeah, even though i seem to grumble and whine about the kids but it was fun, i tell you. i'll be missing the little spunk. no more fights. no more shouting. no more teasing her. no more of having grown-up like conversation with her. no more of threatening to go back malaysia when she's being the most difficult ever. she can be the toughest but she can hit the softest spot in me. i couldn't be angry that long, after all she's just a little kid. i hope they will still remember me after 3 years. hahah.

it's going to be hard. i know so. some part of me, deep down, i feel wistful of what i am deprived of. i wonder if i will have my own kids one day? or would i just get into fights with the nieces and nephews only? perhaps there is a sign that i haven't able to see yet. but it's ramadhan, a month of blessings where most of your prayers will be answered. you just have to believe and have faith in everything you do. who knows, i might get knocked after syarif gets back. hahah.

okay, need to sleep of what the night is left. kang tak bangun sahur, tak larat nak jalan shopping.

ramadhan kareem, everyone!

garlic chicken pizza's taking heat in the oven..

.. while here i am, blogging away.

yeah, i know it's been ages since i last update my blog and i kind of missing it too. and it's not due to the fact of blogger's block, per se, but rather the fact that i don't have any particular interests that i want to blog about. since i'm in the mood of crapping away, so here i am.

i never thought of saying this, i think i am almost glad to get back to work in september. from what i gather from the emails i received, my office is going through another transition, which the previous transition has not even set in, and i can't wait to see any new changes. if there are any, knowing that place can go through as many transitions as possible but it will never change, for better. or worse.

i almost can see myself coming into office on the first day after 3 months absence, nervous to see my boss. and a new vice president. thank god that he doesn't come there often hence of higher chances of not meeting the old man. or perhaps i am more likely to be nervous of the work piling on my desk in the span of 3 months. ahhh the sheer torture of all this! hating work but can't stop work, you just can't have it both ways.

another question i will be dreading to face is when people ask whether i am pregnant or not. the worst time would be during raya, of course, when everyone will get together and update each other with tidbits of news. get this, people, i will scream out to the world if i AM pregnant. sheesh.

in response to negative answer to above, they would say, oh it's okay you just have to work harder. what the hell is that? having children of your own is a blessing, i wouldn't dream of pushing it away. but if i have to change the nature of course by forcing to have sex and not derive pleasure from it but instead feeling of doing work/homework, then maybe it's better off i don't have kids at all. i want to have kids from love-making, not some hard-work sex. children have to be made of love so that they can make the world a better place to live in.

stop telling me to work harder at sex.

i just popped another pizza in the oven, cheezy tuna this time. garlic chicken tastes okay but the dough is a bit crunchy though, not like domino's. how do i do dough like theirs? oh well, i'll call them biscuit pizza. haha.

we are invited to a friend's house tonight, her friend's more likely, for a yassin reading and to honor the upcoming ramadhan. i'm a bit reluctant to go since it's not my friend's hosting but i have to due reasons that can't be listed here. so, i'll update later on that, if i'm not in a ficklish mood.

i need to take the kids outside. i just taught them the pleasure of lying on the grass while staring off in the sky. seems like they are addicted to the activity, which i secretly think it's just an excuse for them to go out. but it's good for them to be out in the fresh air than being cooped in the house like chickens. we can chew away on the pizzas, read books and fool around. ah the simple pleasure in life!

enough of crapping for today.

lunch dates, anyone?

haha.

i don't know why i'm laughing, but i feel exhilarated. flight has been booked, will go back on 16th sept. can't wait of course despite all the rushed shopping sprees.

ramadhan is nearing, starting this saturday. if all goes according to plan, we will go to sheffield this friday and crash noraini's crib. should be fun considering that i won't be cooking on my first day of fasting. hehe. i'm hoping for crazy damaging shopping too. whoa!

went to town yesterday at 2pm. too bad the shops closed quite early (that's uk for you, wouldn't trade malaysia malls for anything) as i came home empty handed. i tried a pair of jeans at debenhams and liked it but i decided to walk around first and come back later if nothing could beat that piece. as usual i got carried away with time and little did i know, it was already 445pm and the shops were starting to close, customers being turned away. now, i can't stop thinking about that jeans. it is perfectly faded, just the pair i've been searching for since i lost mine at one of the hotels i stayed. i hope it's still there when i go next week.

planning to bake chocolate banana cake tomorrow, found a recipe at nigella's website. it looks simple enough so let's see how that turns out. ever since that disastrous apple crumble pie, i sworn not to bake any more but my hands are itching to try new recipes. there's something about mixing together ingredients, getting the measurements right, getting to know unfamiliar substances and most importantly, the satisfaction of seeing the mixture as a whole. then you hope against all hopes that your creation would not flop. if it didn't, you'd hit the roof in delirious state, but if it did, you'd swear never to touch the beaters again. but then, you know it wouldn't be the case.

i wish i can have another whole month away from work, being lazy in the realm of home is so much irresistible. huh, nightmares nightmares!!

run, care bears, run!

Squatting and groaning in front of the television, my 3 year old niece did business number two while watching one of her many favourite cartoon programmes, the care bears. When telling her to change diapers, she pleaded to wait until the programme finishes. i said okay but don't run around in case she suddenly sit down and get all her business squashed. gross, i know.

time passed (i was waiting for the commercials to come on air) when she said, kalau toilet kat depan tu (finger pointed towards tv) kan senang cik arah nak cebok uha.

ha bagus, biar semua care bears lari bau taik ha yang busuk banga.

she giggled.

hurmm, the things kids come up with nowadays. sabar jelah aku.

it's the 'bore' day

i never knew such boredom in my life.

in my coughing phase so whenever i cough, the pain shoots straight up to my head. last night, i cried myself to sleep. no wonder all my body aches right now.

went to nottingham malaysia committee (NMC) gathering and i must say this, it is quite the bleakest event i have ever been to. i was trying not to yawn all the time (which i barely pass) and look bored. i didn't meet anyone interesting except for a makcik who came visit her daughter. she was ready enough to entertain me so i let her be. the food was okay and i finally got to eat fish. i loaded up a whole big plate of fish soup and fried fish. gila tamak haloba. tapi puas babe.

i planned on going to town today but the SIL wanted to go to a friend's house. not that i have anything to do with her friend but seeing that i'm the driver most of the time, well i have to oblige her request. but everything cancelled, the children were sleeping and it was too late to go to town. ramadhan is just around the corner so i must make a trip at least once. maybe next week. heheh.

i realize that we are into august already and will be going back next month. i thought time would never come and now i can't wait to go back. at least i have something nice to look forward to. though what's stopping me to feel all nice is the thought of going back to work. i have googled up and found a term for my distress, ergophobia. someone who has a phobia of going to work, afraid of making mistakes, afraid of people criticising of her work etc. all the symptoms there are the same as mine. mostly. whooo. so i have to live with the fact that work is never for me. i can't do things that require a lot of expectations from me, waiting for me to screw up and get kicked out.

caffeine high

lately, i've been taking too much caffeine. dah lama dah tak minum kopi sebab taknak terlalu depend on it. i have to take coffee at 8pm everyday cos i want to stay awake and chat with syarif. uk is 4 hours ahead of brazil so usually at 12 i'll be yawning my head off.

masalahnya, sekarang ni syarif sangat berdisiplin orangnya sejak bini dia takda. sebelum ni, pukul 12 malam pun aktif lagi. usah di pagi hari, 12 tengahari baru bangun. jadi, boleh bayangkan kejengkelan aku melihat dia tidur pukul 10 mlm tiap-tiap hari. dan bangun 1 jam sebelum subuh, siap2 dan pergi kerja. nanti aku balik, nak tengok sampai keja on time tak ke pukul 10 lagi. haha. nampak sangat aku ni bad influence.

selalu kami chat sekejap je, around 3 hour. waktu dia pukul 10, waktu aku pukul 2 pagi. waktu-waktu untuk berpisah sementara. dia boleh lah tidur. aku ni, terkebil2 depan pc lagi. nak tidur tak boleh. esok minum lagi kopi. because i don't have to go to work, i can make allow compromise on my side.

siang tadi pergi wollaton park. sebab dah janji, tak kira hujan atau tidak, kena redah jugak. memang hujan pun tapi tak kisah, bila lagi nak berperasaan dalam hujan, ya tidak? park kereta di paling bawah sekali, betul-betul depan taman permainan. main-main sekejap, bosan, we walked up to wollaton hall. we had to hike a sloppy hill with deer dung all over. nak bagi semangat punya pasal, bought them ice-cream (ridiculous, i know, it's raining!). so it was fun jumping and squealing avoiding the dung while sucking on ice. sampai kat puncak, we went through some old buildings and took pictures from my phone. sedih betul, bila semangat nak bergambar, camera rosak. bila ada, malas nak keluarkan camera. tulah dia, you never know what you miss until it's gone.

and then, the hightlight of the visit was the secret garden. it looks old, gloomy and creepy from the outside but when we went in, it was breathtakingly beautiful with colourful flowers in bloom. so, we had our little picnic, more of a snack actually, on a bench facing a lake. cantik. the kids were chasing a squirrel while feeding it with their crisps. the squirrel was quite tame and looked cute holding a potato chip in its little paws. then, i treated them a few souvenirs, bouncy balls with embedded butterflies.

definitely need to come back again because i didn't get to see the museum and the hall. another rainy day perhaps, perfect for staying inside old gloomy places. heheh. now, i must try to sleep. ni mesti stock bangun pukul 1 ptg. if caffein can make me awake, it can also knock me out dead once i get to sleep. heh.

p/s: i nak upload gambar kat handphone, tak boleh juga. baru perasan all the pictures are missing. i pernah dengar electronic devices from malaysia mesti weng bila di negara lain sebab sejuk. janganlah pulak laptop aku lepas ni. betul ke?

marblethorpe beach

the beach was fantastic. it was a 2 hour drive, in the heart of lincolnshire called marblethorpe. we did get lost a bit, thanks to tomtom for the confusion, but managed to get there after a few calls of help.

the beach is nothing like in malaysia. you won't see the sea until you walk right up to it. we walked from the car park which took 5 minutes and even that you still cannot see the water. when we reached the gate to the sand, suddenly the sea is right in front of us. we found a perfect spot to have a picnic and the kids to play.

the weather's fine, a bit chilly perhaps even though the sun is shining through. the grown ups ate while chatting away and the kids played with sand. i had a short nap before i went off to take a walk. surprisingly, not many were bathing. i thought the water was cold so i tested it. but no, it was just nice so i walked right to the other end of the beach. gila jauh. but it was nice, having the time to myself while picking up some sea shells for the niece, though i wished syarif was there with me. when i got back after the walk, everyone teased aku melayan jiwa suami jauh. memanglah takkan tak paham lagi kot.

huh.

sorry, no pictures my camera made a nuisance of itself, the lens won't close. haih, kenalah beli yang baru. oh yeah, the apple crumble was a total disaster! i dont know what went wrong, the apples were tough! what a waste.

running wild

we are off to the beach tomorrow. i asked SIL where exactly it is but she forgot the name. it's 2 hour drive and i haven't had a wink of sleep yet.

i made tuna croissant, just like dunkin donut's, and apple crumble pie. i was being adventurous, as usual, instead of using butter to make the crumbs, i used cream cheese. apparently, the crumbs are slightly coarse cos the cheese is a bit sticky business. when baked, it looks okay but the taste has yet to be criticised. i even made sweet cream sauce to go with it. yummy!

there's been conflict raging inside me now. i'm easily upset nowadays. let's hope that tomorrow promises some fun craziness with good food and perfect weather. cos that's all i need now.