wake up call

i'm sorry for such a depressing outlet yesterday. but i won't promise it will not happen again though.

as i face this space, trying to squeeze some ideas, my blog header screams at me.

'live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air'. the wise words of emerson.

that's what my blog should be about. being happy (at most times), always excited and curious to try new things and of course, the courage to bring and expose myself with new experiences, never stopping the need to learn. it sounds fun, yeah?

fear.

somehow, i never realise this familiar feeling of FEAR. it has been inside me for so long without knowing exactly when it placed itself there. sometimes, i mistake it for SHY. or timid. or anything that associate with being over bearing.

i used to be confident and always know what i want or where to go. BUT it was always with sudden decisiveness, taking risks on a whim so there was never a PLAN. that's the beauty of being young, stripped off responsibilities.

growing up was a pain. i think the moment started in primary school. out of a sudden, responsibilities were bulked on my shoulders. not the kind of earning money to bring food on the table, put clothing on the family, no no that kind. for such a young kid, at that time, piling homeworks were such frightening state to be in. heavy bags to and fro, extra classes, and major exams. as school classes weren't enough, extra classes were compulsory. if not by the teachers, by the parents of course.

and this went on until i got out the university with a degree.

i always hear people say you will miss uni years, the care-free life where you have no obligations. who am i to be fooled? as students, you DO have obligations, towards your studies, right? you have to make sure that your grades are on top at most times, so that you can secure good careers once you done. so, i really didnt agree with that as i frankly admit that i hate my study years. not the friends though, they are amazing, they keep me alive until today.

honestly, i miss the days before school was a serious state of affair. play all day, and play some more at home, do whatever i wish, just like a bird flying freely. and what i regret most is that, those years are so short, 5 years certainly are not enough. plus, how far back can you remember your early childhood? you start to remember at the age of 4, so what is left?

i was in denial, couldnt accept the fact that i am an adult now, having to make the wisest decisions of all, very careful of not screwing up because thats not allowed in the grown-up world. i need to wake up from this deep slumber, get my feet on the ground, 'live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air'.

thank you, emerson.