hidup lagi

i came across rumaisa's comment on odah's fb wall, ''blog kau dah mati ke?"

that pure simple question jolted me.

nowadays, writing here seems difficult for me. most of the time, i let it out at another place. when i first started out here, i didn't expect too many readers (not that i'm saying i have many readers now) and anonymous readers sit fine with me. as the blog progresses more, and i accumalate some friends along the way (THANK YOU!!), i have to be selective on what i write. i cannot simply write things that may hurt families and friends or any other people i might not know.

yes, you can laugh. somehow, this made me feel old. i'm still learning to curb my temper (and cutting words) and it's hard. being oppressed and supressed can put a toll on mind and mentality. i'm not surprised why most of us are going crazy by every moment. imagine a situation like this, you have to be apprehensive at all times, watching your mouth and praying hard that it will not betray you with uncouthed words. at the same time, you tend to say things that you don't mean at all. call it hypocrisy but that's how we live in a society. i need to tell myself over and over again, if this makes them happy, then i'm happy. truth is, i'm not.

so i resort to my reading. the only escapism i'm aware and familiar with. i choose how to read the lines. i get to criticise without the fear of letting the emotions run away, or hurt anyone in any ways. i get to express freely, be sad, happy, let one or two tears, laugh loudly without a care in the world. husband always says i'm crazy when i'm with my books. that explains why i'm always cooped up in my room. i know some people don't understand this and it tortures me that i have to do otherwise lest i will be thought of ratu dalam bilik. i almost always get that from my mother, "orang panggil buat tak tahu je, jangan baca selagi tak siap kerja rumah". i didn't hear you, ibu, i'm in my own bubble and you burst it! pop!

being married should not necessarily stop me from seeing my books. thankfully, i am blessed with an understanding soulmate who knows it's the only way i can calm myself after a hectic day at workplace. he knows when i need to be left alone. being compromised made me be fair towards him after that. or else, how can i give the best service in the world if i'm all stressed out? though bear in mind, services come in many forms, not necessarily cook meals and ironing clothes (excuses, excuses!). being the best listener and companion need hard work too. :)


after all being said, yes, i will try my hardest and bestest (if there's such a word) to be here as often as possible. i will try to be more communicative and involve in matters that can open my eyes wider than they are now.


so, sya, kau jangan rindu sangat kat aku lagi okay...