nothing i can do

something in the meeting yesterday made me admit what i have dreaded so long.

i am never good enough in anything and i don't even know what i am good at or can be, for that matter. hell, i don't even know what i want in a career. mush, i feel you man.

sometimes i feel ashamed of letting people know that im an english graduate. not because of the subject itself but rather of my inadequate self. compare to my other friends, they are so good in what they do. real experts. if one took economics he will be an economist. or who took engineering will be and engineer. so, who took english should be a linguist, or a critic, or a lecturer or basically an expert of the language. because in malaysia, you need to to be proficient of the language to secure a bombastic career. though from what i perceive, as long as you know the language, people think you are capable of doing everything regardless the lack of expertise. i bet if you put a dumb blonde in the position, the world is happy enough just because 'it' can speak the language. dush.

unlike my e-lite friends, i barely passed just for that bloody diploma. i never can consider myself a literate, let alone a linguist. i mean, look at how nightmarish i was when teaching those kids. i do like reading, of course, but most of the reading materials weren't my cup of tea. i think i didn't do enough justice of being critics of their works. they deserve more than what i can give them.

i can never be good enough.

why?there's a reason why i didn't do masters yet. first, yeah, i'm not good enough. second, i'll bet the reading requirements can kill my love for reading. third, i can't do masters in english, what other fields can i jump to? corporate communications? public relations? business administration? marketing? tesl? so many options but too little faith. because looking at the current situation where i'm such a hopeless at workplace, i will never complete the course. okay, i think i'm getting irritated by the word 'never' because it makes me sound like a pathetic loser on the verge of losing her mind.

okay, the main reason i'm writing this down is not because i'm in a dilemma of wanting to masters or not but the not wanting of people's hopes pin on me. just because i have english diploma on hand, does not necessarily mean that i'm genius on that matter. how many economists we know who have screwed up the market? (haha i don't know too but i bet there are) and we blame them, what you took economics and you can't even get that right?!so, it applies the same to me.

so, please people, don't expect too much of me because when you do, i always screw up big time. oh, i feel the burden on me now. but i'm glad my depression era is still not over yet. that means i have something to complain and whine about.

okay, you guys can slap me in the face now!

p/s: zetty amni, when can i write like you? macam gampang tapi aku suka..hahah