leaving train

i was ready for office by 8am. i sat down on the bed until it was 9. then i decided not to go work. the long journey, alone, suddenly depresses me. it is not the fear of being on the road, it's the rising hot emotions within me upon seeing swarms of cars before me.

i am an open concept kind of person. i dislike houses with gates. i dislike houses wedge in between other houses. i dislike cars squeezing in front behind and sides, i dislike living in an apartment because the hallways/corridors can make me feel suffocated, i dislike being in the woods at night because it feels like the darkness envelopes over me. basically, i dislike anything that makes me feel a prisoner.

i am a free spirit.

when i signed up for marriage, i always pray that i won't feel like a prisoner. being in a system or a confinement can suffocate me too. i do not wish to confine myself to the needs of the society. with the circumstance as they are, i couldn't just give in to them. like, being childless for years, if i succumb to the thoughtless needs/expectations of the people around me, i will be a lunatic by now.

but i have faith in God. i know He listens to me everyday. as long as i have Him, i do not care what others may think of me. i also have faith in my other half. thank you for believing in me.

perhaps i should start a freelance.

atas, bawah, mari sini, terima kasih

it's the last week of syawal and i'm sure everyone's rushing to hold openhouses at the last minute. speaking of which, there will be a makan2 affair tomorrow evening, just for family and friends. :)

there's nothing specific here that i would like to say. living true to it's name and theme, i rarely write serious stuff like discussing politics or current issues or anything that requires me to wring out ideas from my poor tired brain.

after tapping in serious work stuff, blogging seems such a relief, almost like a painkiller. to the point that i just want to write endlessly but it would be too much, i know. people will definitely say i'm gone off the crackers.

life's okay, i guess. been socializing around, so that helps the loneliness a bit. oh yeah, a funny joke. we were shisha-ing (haha) at damascus (i think that's the name) and this bangladeshi man told us he's been in malaysia for 3 years and still couldn't speak malay except for a few words. we asked him, what do you know then?

atas, bawah, mari sini, terima kasih.

we taught him a new word, sama-sama.

we shrieked in laughter. imagine sama-sama in the same order. haha!

poor man, he went away, confused.

social butterfly in cocoon

it's not like i have anything particular to say in here, just the need of tapping away the buttons. less than an hour, i'll be meeting up with good friends, whom i haven't seen since i got back from the uk, and will be having dinner in damansara. there's a restaurant that a friend has suggested ages ago. and there goes my diet again.

you know, it's weird that when you embark on a diet effort, suddenly all the food seems so scrumptious and salivating. even worse, the measly-looking pisang goreng can tempt with your taste buds. and thus, my friend, i need to reward a point to myself for succeeding swatting away all those jahat desires. heh.

but then, it's a goner if we go to damansara. i just can't simply order coffee only, can i? i mean, it will make me look so poyo. haha. saja je, cari reason to chomp down good food without feeling guilty. besides, i haven't socialise with those girls for a long time. 2 course dinner won't hurt. as if.

i'm planning of a getaway in november but not sure where yet. couldn't be too far, lest it'll be tiring. and not too near for people to come and disturb. ngahaha. project membuat anak harus bermula dengan intensivenya before one of us gets whisk away by work obligations again. hahah. (aku balik rumah ni mesti ada mulut murai tu duk cucuk2 aku ;p)

if you say it, 3 weeks, it doesn't sound so long right? but when you put them in days, 28 days to be precise, it sure sounds like a lifetime. huh, now's the time to wish time to fly faster, only then it won't. obviously..

it's monday today, we have 4 days to go till weekend, so have a nice week, y'all!

thank you for bringing me back

last week was my one of darkest moments.

two bad incidents happened and i'm grateful that i am still well and alive.

i may seem loud and boisterous but i always keep my emotional feelings/thoughts to myself. and what i usually do is to bury them deep inside so i wouldn't think so much about it, to the point that i barely remember what it's all about. but when things got out of control, we are only humans, everything gushed out in hard torrents. i have never shed that many tears in my life. i feel ashamed just thinking about it.

i could have lash out for what has happened but i checked. maybe it's a sign of what i had done to other people and now, it's my turn to know and feel what's it like. i have never felt so helpless, and there was noone to turn to. i learn that you can never depend on people too much, even your loved ones, because they are humans too and powerless, but learn to depend on The Almighty.

being alone gives me that chance of rebuilding the barely-lived relationship with God. i thought i will go mad living all by myself, but no, God in His unique way has shown His way of returning to Him. people would think i'm crazy talking to myself when all i do is having a conversation with God. like, Ya allah, Kau tolonglah tengokkan rumah aku sementara aku pergi kerja ni. selawat. is that crazy? because i BELIEVE that only God can prevent bad guys from breaking in. if i were to leave it to someone else, eh kau tolong eh jaga rumah aku. still, she couldn't have done anything if there were break-ins.

those are examples only, mind you.

i know i have done some things in the past that i'm not proud of. in the event of what happened, i take it that it's a form of repentance. there must be a reason for what took place. it's a kind reminder from God that i have relayed abit too far from him.

now i am at peace, mind and soul.

thank you.

free bird

listening to VP just now at one of our annual raya celebration push me back on track. so inspiring, it was least expected especially when i was already half-way dead. literally. if i were to quit some day, i would like to leave behind great impression and everybody will remember what i have done.

haha bongkak bongkak. no, i think it's better to leave with respect and dignity.

half-drowned

for the endth time, i console my heart to be grateful for what i have. it is so hard to do that when you are stuck in a position that you never wish to be in nor that you have any choice to let yourself out. suddenly, i miss my 3 month stint of escapism.

yes, call me a coward. i never thought myself feeling scared shitless of reality, which i still think i don't, but what makes me feel more ashamed is that i run away before facing the real thing. i'm not saying that i am a care-free spirit, because i'm really not, considering i can be so unabashed of other people's feelings, but i hate feeling the weight of burden people put on me. already, i'm waking up feeling like an old lady.

i believe there are certain things that happen for a reason and i tend to search deep the whys. there must be a reason why i turn out like that, right? but somehow, i couldn't fathom the outcome of all this. is it a sign of acceptance or is it that i have to fight against it in order to gain happiness in life?

sometimes, we live by our decisions. i have made decisions that i regret ever so much but that just shows how human we are. if i know things will come to this, i would have turn the time back and redo everything. but then, i could have made the same choice all over again. when the pressure gets to you, you have to do anything by all means to survive.

it's life. you just have to make best of it.

i don't know if i do.

rapuan

ini entry usaha menghilangkan ngantuk.

wow, this is my first post since i got back. bukan apa, it's not jet-lag yang membantutkan segalanya, i saja je buat diri sendiri jet-lag. because it feels like ages since i had tidur yg begitu puas. jadinya, bila masuk office, menganga je mulut menguap after more than 3 months of training tidur lepas subuh. ;p

oh ya, selamat hari raya and maaf zahir batin semua! tau-tau jelah, i always say things right off the tongue without thinking and you know how bad that is, saying things without critical analysis. habis semua yang tak berkenaan pun boleh kecil hati.

surprisingly, raya was good. last saturday was the puncak segala-galanya. because i'm celebrating single, i had to attach myself onto the newly-weds, odah and akim. so we went to 5 open houses. 5, people! from early morning til late night. i can barely walk after that. odah lagi hebat, dia pergi 2 buah lagi rumah, wonders where she put all those food as i dah buang 1/3 of tangki in the afternoon. hahha. cayalah odah!

hari ini excited sikit datang kerja. i left home at 630am and arrived at 730am. one of the earliest. haa i hope it goes like this for a month. i harap2 sgt dapat makan lunch ikan keli and tempe goreng. lapar betul. tapi langit macam mendung, guruh dah kedengaran, kalau hujan, mmg terlepas lah ikan keli i. ;p

sedar tak sedar, we are 3 months away from 2010. time flies. i really lost track of everything. things that happened last year, i thought they happened this year. like, i thought i just bought a house this year, turns out it was last year and it's nearly done too. the house is coming along nicely, hopefully there'll be an openhouse/housewarming party next year. tapi semua duduk di lantai je ok kan?

hah, kan dah hujan! nak keluar tak boleh because ada orang tu tinggalkan kunci kereta dia, in case banjir, akulah kena alih keta dia. haih. ikan keli oh ikan keli!

oklah, dah hilan pun ngantuk. nak cari kawan pergi membaham.