half-drowned

for the endth time, i console my heart to be grateful for what i have. it is so hard to do that when you are stuck in a position that you never wish to be in nor that you have any choice to let yourself out. suddenly, i miss my 3 month stint of escapism.

yes, call me a coward. i never thought myself feeling scared shitless of reality, which i still think i don't, but what makes me feel more ashamed is that i run away before facing the real thing. i'm not saying that i am a care-free spirit, because i'm really not, considering i can be so unabashed of other people's feelings, but i hate feeling the weight of burden people put on me. already, i'm waking up feeling like an old lady.

i believe there are certain things that happen for a reason and i tend to search deep the whys. there must be a reason why i turn out like that, right? but somehow, i couldn't fathom the outcome of all this. is it a sign of acceptance or is it that i have to fight against it in order to gain happiness in life?

sometimes, we live by our decisions. i have made decisions that i regret ever so much but that just shows how human we are. if i know things will come to this, i would have turn the time back and redo everything. but then, i could have made the same choice all over again. when the pressure gets to you, you have to do anything by all means to survive.

it's life. you just have to make best of it.

i don't know if i do.