let me say again, my marriage is not based on conceiving babies

This question has been on my mind for quite some time; why is it that when a woman couldn’t get pregnant, the fault would be entirely on her?

Being married more than 2 years, I am still not with child yet.

Helpless? Yes.
Miserable? Yes.
Feeling like a failure? Yes.
Angry? Yes.
Sad? Yes.

In fact, I’m feeling everything and more. I couldn’t help not getting pregnant, and that makes me helpless. I couldn’t help being miserable knowing that I’m hopeless in this. Yes, I admit at times I feel like a failure, to myself, to my husband, to my family for not giving them a child they and I so want. But at most times, I feel angry with the world for being insensitive when asking inconsiderate questions about this.

I never get angry at questions like, dah ada anak?
Because then I will answer, belum lagi.
And they will say, oh takpe adalah tu nanti.

But.

I hate questions like, bila nak ada baby?
Because then I wouldn’t know what to answer except for, ntahlah.
And they will say, oh kau planning ke?

What the hell is that? Do you want me to say, oh perhaps tomorrow I’ll give you a baby. Oh I forgot, I’ve other things to do tomorrow so how about next week? You think it’s that easy? For me and for you? Well, easy for you to say, maybe.

So, when my answer to family plan is not in affirmative, another question will follow.
Eh, kau tak nak check ke? Mana tahu, kau ada problem ke.

Now you are accusing me with a problem. Nice. How do you that maybe there's a possibility it’s not me that has a problem, it could always be the man. Not that I’m saying Syarif is problematic in that area. It’s just that the general perception lay out by the society it’s always the woman’s fault if she could not give a child. Do you know that a man dips in a hand too to make that small human being? Or do you think that we women just wake up one morning to find a bulging tummy ready for birth, all by own?

Tsk.

What saddens me most is that sometimes these questions come from the effeminate circle. Women should stand up for their own kind, not letting them get ambushed instead. It is ironic that I have to withstand aimless insults from women rather than men. I just had to laugh off all this when things become too unbearable.

It is natural order of things that we cannot interfere with; women will always punish each other to see who will suffer the most. Who knows in the future, I might be one of them to ‘kill’ another helpless lady.

Which will leave me no better off.

p/s: ya, jangan risau adalah medical follow up nanti. then we'll see.

mimpi bayi comel

he made me cry today.

as usual, we chat before he goes to work.


him: sayang, last night i dreamed about you. you have a baby and really cute too.

me: really? hihihi. i tak pernah mimpi pasal dapat baby lagi.
apa nama dia? girl ke boy?

him: tatau plak. haah, itu pun my first time mimpi macam tu.
macam best mimpi tu.

me: best? apa yang best?


then he signed out because the driver has already arrived.

pilu campur gembira bila pikir pasal anak ni. but then, pilu lagi kuat because the question is, bila lah lagi?

fourth day of fasting..

.. and i'm already delusional.

rather than letting the blueberries go bad, so i decide to do something about it.
googled up recipes and found one that i like, the pictures look convincing enough, and yes, mouthwatering.

i whisk everything accordingly as laid out in the recipe.
i even got butter and sugar creamed till light and fluffy, which i rarely do because i don't exactly know how light and fluffed butter sugar look like.

then i got to the last part of combining flour and milk.
hunger pangs blurring my vision, i read 80ml of milk as 800ml.
i didn't register what i was doing until i have poured 650ml into the mixture when i know something was not right.
i stopped and checked the recipe.
80ML??????? and i poured in nearly a litre?
oh please, someone, kill me.

at least, i manage to save 200ml of milk. ;p

i stumped.
i thought of throwing away the batter and start again.
but the mere thought of creaming butter and sugar is sooo loooong (no wonder i never get that creaming right because i am impatient) and who knows what will turn out next.
i might as well try to remedy the mistake instead.
so, i strained the batter.
and went on whisking again, adding a little bit of flour, egg, sugar and vanilla estract.
because i thought some of the essence must also have gone through the strainer.
everything got whisked not in particular order.
i can just see a disaster form ahead.

the cake bakes around 40-50 minutes. i just checked, at 40 mins, and it's not even cooked in the inside, all gooey like.
ahhhhhh!!!
i know if i put on another 10 minutes it still won't be done yet.
oh why can't i get a simple cake done?

sedih betul tau.

dan lagi menyedihkan, the berries wouldn't stay on top, they sank to the middle.
i bet the batter is too watery.

*sigh*

gurindam orang tak dapat fesbuk

huh. facebook is making a nuisance of itself. the layout is upside down and i can't find certain applications that i wanted to log in. i can't read messages. i can't give silly comments on other people's pages. i can't approve requests. and most of all, i can't tell you guys what's on my mind all day. haha. good thing i can still tend to farm buddy, even that someone stole a chilli just because i couldn't click on 'my farm'. is it only me or are you facing the same problem too?

since i can't give a piece of mind at facebook, so here it goes:

Sarah M. Ali is packing, not because she can't wait to go home but to see how much more space she can squeeze in more things. hahah.

okay, puas hati.

it's 4pm already, i haven't start cooking yet. need to wait a few minutes until my peas are done to be harvested before they get stolen. heheh. in the meantime, chicken curry good enough? cukuplah tu kan, bukan nak mencekik, harus bersederhana di bulan ramadhan ni.

my eyelids are getting heavier by each minute..

.. but i can't go to bed yet. because if i do, i know i will miss sahur. and that's important to me. most people forget that sahur is essential in our fasting ritual as it differentiate ours than the jewish for they don't take sahur.

the best time for sahur, according to the sunnah of our Prophet is as near to fajr's time. if i am in malaysia now, i would eat half an hour before subuh, at 5.15am. but being subuh at 4am here, i should eat around 330am. the current time ticks at 1am and i still have 2 hours to kill and it's really tempting to doze off a few minutes. hahah as if. the next thing i know, sun would be streaming down on me. no no no.

i must say my first day was quite challenging. i'm embarrassed to admit this but my lips is stinging and chapped due to lack of water. manja kededek, as my niece would say. so, i'm sipping on tap waters in between writing blog, facebooking and blog hopping. usual tasks that require lotsa drinking. heheh.

i just finished reading an amazing and fascinating blog. and i really really really envy her for her talent. i wish i can write stuff like that. i know, that dream is buried deep down and i don't see any chances of it to come true.

the blogger could come up with the wittiest, cunniest ideas that i never though of myself. impressed. but what caught my attention is that the blogger's piece of mind did not make certain parties happy. yes, i know, truth can be hurtful but coming from literature background, i do not believe in censorship in writing. it's a crime to slander a writer's creativity because to me, a tiny piece of wonderful creative is not easy to come by that you just can't simply crush it to bits. it's crucial to have freedom of writing as that is exactly that can teach the society by whatever means.

true enough, it is not necessary to be in total agree of everything a writer has laid out. so how do we let people know that we don't agree? we sit down and discuss/debate in the most humanly manner, because we are human after all, and perhaps come up with an intelligent conclusion. hah, that's what makes us interesting, right?

please be open minded, people, we don't want to move backwards instead of forward. independence day is coming up soon and it wont mean a thing if we, the society itself has no qualms to change for the better.

oh my. i am so sleepy. should i sleep? i think i shoould. let's hope that the big power up there will wake me up.

ta.

nuha, tengok ni kaki zulfa, macam kaki KFC kan?

Ya Allah!



a 3 year old kid's answer.

still a month but i'm getting all melancholic now..

am at noraini's place in sheffield. my lappie is cranking up more than usual, so it took half an hour just to get connected. yeah, tomorrow will be the first day of fasting. 2 hours shy of sahur time.

i just found out something that disturbs me a little bit. i am trying not to put much thought on it but it's still there, lingering. the lingering doesn't show any reaction, good or bad, yet. it's like waiting for a volcano to explode but if it were to explode, it should have by now.

not making sense there, i know. moving on.

it almost feels like it is next week that i will be going back. some part of me is trying to hold back the time but another part of me is missing good old home. time passes by and before you know it, i am on the plane to malaysia.

good god, i am going to miss the kids. yeah, even though i seem to grumble and whine about the kids but it was fun, i tell you. i'll be missing the little spunk. no more fights. no more shouting. no more teasing her. no more of having grown-up like conversation with her. no more of threatening to go back malaysia when she's being the most difficult ever. she can be the toughest but she can hit the softest spot in me. i couldn't be angry that long, after all she's just a little kid. i hope they will still remember me after 3 years. hahah.

it's going to be hard. i know so. some part of me, deep down, i feel wistful of what i am deprived of. i wonder if i will have my own kids one day? or would i just get into fights with the nieces and nephews only? perhaps there is a sign that i haven't able to see yet. but it's ramadhan, a month of blessings where most of your prayers will be answered. you just have to believe and have faith in everything you do. who knows, i might get knocked after syarif gets back. hahah.

okay, need to sleep of what the night is left. kang tak bangun sahur, tak larat nak jalan shopping.

ramadhan kareem, everyone!