let me say again, my marriage is not based on conceiving babies

This question has been on my mind for quite some time; why is it that when a woman couldn’t get pregnant, the fault would be entirely on her?

Being married more than 2 years, I am still not with child yet.

Helpless? Yes.
Miserable? Yes.
Feeling like a failure? Yes.
Angry? Yes.
Sad? Yes.

In fact, I’m feeling everything and more. I couldn’t help not getting pregnant, and that makes me helpless. I couldn’t help being miserable knowing that I’m hopeless in this. Yes, I admit at times I feel like a failure, to myself, to my husband, to my family for not giving them a child they and I so want. But at most times, I feel angry with the world for being insensitive when asking inconsiderate questions about this.

I never get angry at questions like, dah ada anak?
Because then I will answer, belum lagi.
And they will say, oh takpe adalah tu nanti.

But.

I hate questions like, bila nak ada baby?
Because then I wouldn’t know what to answer except for, ntahlah.
And they will say, oh kau planning ke?

What the hell is that? Do you want me to say, oh perhaps tomorrow I’ll give you a baby. Oh I forgot, I’ve other things to do tomorrow so how about next week? You think it’s that easy? For me and for you? Well, easy for you to say, maybe.

So, when my answer to family plan is not in affirmative, another question will follow.
Eh, kau tak nak check ke? Mana tahu, kau ada problem ke.

Now you are accusing me with a problem. Nice. How do you that maybe there's a possibility it’s not me that has a problem, it could always be the man. Not that I’m saying Syarif is problematic in that area. It’s just that the general perception lay out by the society it’s always the woman’s fault if she could not give a child. Do you know that a man dips in a hand too to make that small human being? Or do you think that we women just wake up one morning to find a bulging tummy ready for birth, all by own?

Tsk.

What saddens me most is that sometimes these questions come from the effeminate circle. Women should stand up for their own kind, not letting them get ambushed instead. It is ironic that I have to withstand aimless insults from women rather than men. I just had to laugh off all this when things become too unbearable.

It is natural order of things that we cannot interfere with; women will always punish each other to see who will suffer the most. Who knows in the future, I might be one of them to ‘kill’ another helpless lady.

Which will leave me no better off.

p/s: ya, jangan risau adalah medical follow up nanti. then we'll see.